Dear Diary

3.

Seventh grade

It was the first day of seventh grade. New year, new syllabus, new teachers but that still broken hope to fix stuff in home. My personality then hadn't changed much. I was the same old, straight A's student, cherished by many and looked up to by many. I guess Seventh grade was when I started to know about life other than just grades. It was a year with so many memories...

The year I had my first ever crush!!

And boy was I so head over heels for that guy!!

Let's call him BNY.

Our class was sent outside in a line to have the welcoming ceremony done, guys and girls in separate lines. I probably might've been hallucinating but I was sure I had heard someone talk. I turned back to see who it was...

And I saw him...

The rush of heartbeats and swarming of butterflies in my stomach were in an instant... Call me a creep, but I literally was feeling like how Om would've felt seeing Shantipriya in Om Shanti Om.

He wasn't handsome handsome. But he had a certain aura and charm that attracted me towards him in an instant. Looking at him made my cheeks flush. I wanted to look away but I just couldn't.

Oh I was so doomed!

Even now I couldn't believe that I felt that intense emotions towards him. Damn I'm kinda embarrassed now.

Anyways back to the story!!

So basically, I had a massive crush on BNY. And how would I not? He was a smart student, not only book smart but street smart, division level badminton player and a chess player. He was an all rounder and had got me impressed to the T.

Life was awesome... with me keeping my feelings to myself. We soon became assistant class monitors and even sent on chess tournaments together. God, I was so delusional that time. Just a look from him would send me blushing and kicking my feet in the air like a toddler. It was unusual as hell.

But like I said, it was all fine when I had kept it to myself...

Insert DPT, another girl from my class. Smart, conventionally beautiful and a great chess and table tennis player herself. It wouldn't be wrong of me to assume a lot of guys in my class had a crush on her at one point. She was a really pretty girl, and still is. She was my bench mate that entire year.

And now the drama unfolds...

I liked BNY. BNY liked (or was rumored to like) DPT. A bunch of other guys in my class still liked DPT. And that stung me like hell. I wasn't jealous of her because others liked her, I was envious because he liked her. And I was hellbent on him to notice me. Be it academics, chess, or even attending counsel events arranged by the school board because his parents were a part of it.

Yeah.... I was mad....

And even after all I did, he still liked her...

God! I can't believe I was such an idiot!! But it was a big deal for me then... I was fourteen, what can you expect?!

I still had my feelings underground while more and more rumors flared up like wildfire. I was still on that blind hope that he'd notice and he'd atleast talk to me.

But shit went farther down!!!!

Somehow, (and my suspicions still lie on DPT) BNY found out that I had a crush on him.

The clock ticked, my heart beat in anticipation...

The worst he could say is No, right?

No...

The following day onwards, he started ignoring me like a disgusting plague. We never really had exchanged words, but this silence was gruesome. And on top of that, he started interacting more and more with DPT. Everything that I feared was happening.

And this wasn't even the worst...

Our class teacher back then, who I considered the nicest one of them all, started pointing out my insecurities in class whenever I volunteered for some work. She pointed out the fact that I'm the most selfish and jealous classmate anyone could ever have in public and no matter how hard I worked, I would never get anything I ever wanted.

And looking at BNY, it felt so true it was shattering.

What I thought was an amazing start, turned to an end so messy, I had still failed to contemplate.

I couldn't put a finger on where I was wrong. I do agree I can't conceal my envy, but that was the driving factor that made me better in academics, that actually made me work hard in the effort to stand out and stay on the top. And I still don't see that as a bad thing. I was envious, but I also helped people when needed. I had my own demons and insecurities, but I was still sweet to the world. I was envious, but never arrogant. My jealousy  wanted to improve myself and not bring others down. I wanted my success, not other's failure.

I was fourteen but I knew whatever I was feeling, was not toxic.

Then, why me?

Why was the ideal student her and not me?

Why did he go for her and not me?

And the answer I got, "She was a very silent girl, unlike you..."

...

Trust me, that was the one lesson I had learnt the hardest way possible.

That I'd never get what I want, no matter how much I work for it. No matter how helpful I be, everyone will term me selfish, everyone just use everyone. And there is no real value for yourself at all.

And that was when I could consider that I was maturing a bit.

It was the last day of seventh grade when I decided I'd put an end to this BNY pursuing shit. I gulped down the pain and turned my heart into stone.

No boys, only studies and look out only for myself.

And that was when I got myself a best friend and discovered a passion for writing!!