𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

An empty space with a name.

This is written for the one who got over him,

but not over the relationship.

This is for you.

I had saved you as "love" with a couple of hearts, showing my more romantic side. That love I make fun of when I see it in movies. How funny, right? I dedicated so many songs to you as my enamored heart could, though I did it in silence because that's where I don't face rejection, your rejection. I played every song that seemed to unlock my memories, the ones that made me feel so identified, the ones that hurt knowing that at least it was real, all this crap that I'm getting over. And with fear, I hid the playlist that said "I love you," even though as a friend, I didn't love you.

Because everything you said reminds me why I didn't want to commit emotionally to anyone. But I started to feel butterflies, and I admit that I tried to drown them. But kissing each other everywhere was all we needed to keep the flame going, because your "hello" that you used to say long before you knew my second name, I liked. Not realizing that they would turn into a constant "goodbye."

But love, I don't have a love story to tell, I don't have any revenge to take. But I heard yours, and I notice how you want me to hate you, why not do it? You did it too. But if honesty is about telling you the truth, then I admit I broke into pieces, hoping that at least you would have thought to send me a couple of rehearsed apologies on my birthday. And despite being a fool, you could have slipped a "happy birthday," but since that didn't happen, it basically became another scar in the pile, one that reminds me of us. Of both of us.

Some things take my breath away thinking that we almost had it all. And I can't help but feel that we could have felt everything. So I wish you hadn't played with my vulnerability. When you assumed I was to blame for you kissing me like your life depended on it every time we said goodbye, after you had made it clear from the start that there would be no commitments.

Come on, darling, keep revealing my insecurities, but with just a simple writing, I could ruin your life. So, I will expose all your lies. Each one of them, in detail, until it hurts for you to not get to the end of our story, but always remember on which page my name is written.

And despite not talking crap about you on the Internet, and despite not stopping missing the way I used to romanticize every little detail. I'll start with her, the one you never decided to keep your distance from despite her insinuations. About our social media, and how you wanted to keep everything low-key, so nothing would ruin it, you said. But what was this "nothing" you were so worried about keeping private?

I guess it wasn't just the fact that you noticed I was content with just a few kisses and good mornings. But I'll continue with the rest of the story, naming the constant arguments over your distrust, your insecurities checking my pending accounts, your insignificant fears about not knowing how to use a condom, your stupid reproaches that didn't make sense, and your disapproving looks at my friends.

And now I wonder: when there are more bodies, do you forget about mine? Do you? And focus on other moves? Well, darling, and if not, then tell me why you avoid my gaze when temptations are near. Tell me why you can't celebrate my achievements in front of them, why when I hold your hand, you form a fist as a response to your discomfort? Wait, are you able to answer why you sent me those unexpected messages saying – "damn, I love you, DAMN" – after confessing drunk that you regretted the routine, that you got tired every day, and thus assumed I was the one who decided that any random day of each month would be our anniversary?

And it was a mistake because yes, I turned a deaf ear. Like it didn't affect me, like the noise my heart made listening to it didn't matter. I tried to understand it, but I feel like I never got to know you. And if I did, who have I been giving my heart to all this time? I just wanted to forget that version of you, and ask you: -love, can't we forget the rest and go back to the beginning?- When we were just friends whose hearts would race every now and then.