𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

Promise me that you will regret it

"Little one, I apologize for every single time I said sorry, without being at fault."

I can't be the only one who's alone tonight. Does anyone feel like I do? Tell me all the things I'm not. Do you think I didn't know those things? I've always been a bit lost, and I still could be. Life is hard, but it's fine with so many lost causes. I shouldn't complain. With a house like this and a car like that in the driveway, I shouldn't curse to myself. But an old man has me bought, and I don't know how to take it. And I'm not just talking about alcohol, but the situation.

Maybe I should pray more often and dedicate more time to my faith. Trying to decipher my brain might help with the things I hold on to, but dear God... I won't confess, I won't say anything that could be used against me. And you know why? Because I lost that part of myself, and you have something to do with it. Don't feel bad, I just can't believe I'm alone right now. So please, don't try to convince me. None of this shit is going anywhere.

No, I'm not the only one who thinks this way. It can't be real. There has to be someone out there who gives compliments in the middle of a fight. There has to be someone somewhere who needs company. And maybe that will make me feel less alone, and maybe the pain in my chest will disappear, but it doesn't, not even a little bit. Damn, how hard it is to love myself a little.

Because when you say you're leaving, but this time you mean it, my nervous system freaks out because it's happening, and I really don't know what you're trying to do with your attention. I just wanted a little male validation, so turn around, look me in the eyes or at my chest, whatever you think is necessary, but do it so you don't crush my ego, because this thing of loving each other one day and not the next is affecting me. So just tell me how much you love me, and how beautiful I look tonight, open to you, and I won't ask you who you were with at that hotel. Not because I don't care, but because my voice won't let me speak. Because this pain stops me from resisting. I should love you, but the easy things weaken me, so I refuse to answer your questions. So boy, stop asking them.

Because it would be easy to tell you: you'll consume yourself, just look at yourself, you long for me, but not enough. You can say whatever comes to your mind, but I'm the one who controls that monster inside you. And when I go to see it, I'm torn between running away or hugging it for a long time. But I'm not getting any news from my sweet love, I only know I'm getting tired, and that's hard. And I really don't want to hurt you, but I'm doing nothing. And you know what I mean.

And while you fill your emptiness with me, I'm creating one with you. Does that make sense? If not, we can let it fill up or better yet, let me misinterpret your actions even though you're not acting like a damn coward. Because you're just a selfish person who makes people think you have everything under control. You can't get angry for some reason, and that makes you more of a child, but what can I do? Sorry, but that's what I think along the way. I shouldn't have mentioned you, and even less should I have written to you.

I just want to be at peace and free myself from my abuser, if you can even call it that. Because so many things are happening at once, and the neighbor plans to report, and I don't know what to do. Because it's one against six, and I can't face anyone. Unless you make winter come back. And with that, my summer goes away, because without my cold, my heart is thawing. Just look at me shivering, shiv-er-ing.

Don't you know how to manage time or your violent love? I don't understand why I should make the flame burn out by itself. But it's daytime and I have no plans in mind, so tell me things that will help me let you go. Because I don't want to hurt you, but I guess I don't care much if I do.

But darling, tell me why I can't stop calling you love, if you're a bundle of empty emotions that you don't even understand. And I really don't have time for soulless things. You know why? Because you can't figure out my love, why don't you? Tell me what I can do to stop thinking about you. I'm getting tired of wanting you and being the first thing you think of when they yell my name. But I guess that's just a matter of a few months, because in a little while, I'll be able to forget you and remember you for what you are. A fool. A cowardly liar who only cares about others' feelings when he's affected, and especially when it has to do with his father.

Because I don't recognize you, I don't know if it's because of the time that has passed, but I feel like I never did. So please, don't make me waste the time I don't have. Because my love is waiting for me inside, and I need to take a couple of puffs before kissing him. Because stress is stressing me out. So don't pretend to hold my hand, because I'm sweating, and I don't feel like putting on gloves to shake your hand.