"Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me...Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing the very thing you gave to me"- Beyoncé, "Resentment"
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- TARAJI -
I don't know how I ended up at Regina's place sharing a double dildo with her, with her thumb stroking my clit, but I knew that there was no going back. I cheated on Amber...again. The only thoughts running through my head were "why do I keep doing this" and "when is it going to stop". At this point I've slept with all of my friends except for Danielle. The familiarity that they hold for me is comforting. I know that they won't hurt me. It's not right, but it's better than fucking a stranger. When we both came on the toy, our pussies touching and sticking together because of how intensely close we were, Regina pulled it out of me and made me suck both ends of the drenched plastic clean, allowing me to taste myself and her. She kissed my lips sweetly and disappeared into the bathroom, returning with a warm and wet washcloth. I watched with affection in my eyes as she spread my legs and cleaned me up. She's more gentle than Sanaa.
Regina: Are you ok?
I silently nodded my head, not being able to speak as I was still recovering from my mind-bending orgasm. I honestly wanted to cry, but I didn't want her to think that she had done anything wrong. I'm just so disappointed and mad at myself. My sense of self control is nonexistent. It's like my body isn't my own, just a hollow shell for me to pass off to the next person who shows me any sort of kindness and hope that they are able to fill it up. However, I'm always left feeling emptier than before. So why do I keep doing this? Maybe I should go to therapy, but how would talking to a stranger who's being paid to help me actually help me? I don't want anybody to know what happened to me. I hate that I even told Amber. I just don't want Fantasia to look like a villain. I realize the severity of what she did to me in her drunken state, but that was years ago, so there's really no point in me talking about it now. I don't know why I'm trying to protect her. I just feel like I have to.
Regina: Are you hungry?
I shook my head, watching her collect my clothes up off of her bedroom floor. She handed them to me in a compact ball and I unraveled it, putting my clothes back on. Somehow I feel more vulnerable with my clothes on than I do with them off. She held her hand out to me and I took it, allowing her to lead me downstairs. I sat down on a barstool at the kitchen island, watching her pour two glasses of Chardonnay. I sipped it slowly, although I was tempted to just knock it back in one gulp.
Regina: You're in your head about something. What's going on with you, Raj?
Taraji: I don't know. I keep thinking about my ex-wife when I shouldn't be. I don't think I miss her. I think it's just that so much of my life was spent with her that I don't know how to comprehend the fact that I have to live without her now. I know it's been 3 years since the divorce, but we were married for 12. I experienced some of the biggest moments of my life when I was with her. I changed completely, for the better and the worst, and it was because of her. I didn't give myself time to mourn our marriage. I just jumped right into a relationship with Amber. I don't know. I shouldn't be talking about this.
