He's The One I Want

🖤five - lucky but you're so confused

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The next days after the night at the station felt different. I kept thinking about how he held me, how he cared so much. It kinda felt like we were both waiting for something to happen even though the tension was so thick. Like maybe we were just floating in each other's orbits.

I really was scared to acknowledge it, but I could also feel how he was drawn to me and it made it even harder. I wanted to break the silence, I really did. I knew I would have to ask him soon.

I was so nervous, like more than I'd been in so long. The station was more quieter than usual as I sat at my desk, trying to focus on my case files in front of me. But of course I couldn't focus with him here. I couldn't escape his magnetic pull no matter how hard i tried to. I felt the ongoing tension that we couldn't deny. All I could think about was the tension. The lingering touches, the was my heart skipped when he smiled and how my stomach fluttered when he was near.

I finally dropped my pen down, probably too loud for that moment.  Travis looked up, like he was trying to look professional but I saw something flicker that looked like what I was feeling.

"Travis," I started, my voice unsteady. It was now or never. "I think you know what I'm about to say." "What's going on taylor" He had a calm voice, but I knew he could tell something was coming.

"I took a deep breath and set the files down with trembling hands and my chest tightened. "Well I.....I think that I've been feeling something for a while now, for you. I can't keep pretending it's not there anymore, I just needed you to know that"

His face softened like he understood but then it shifted. 

"Angel" he said with a gentle but firm voice"you don't....."

"I know..we can't..this job..you know? I've been pushing it down but it's not easy, it feels impossible. Just everytime you're near me I feel like it's more, and like I want it to be more."

"Just know this, Angel: I care about you more than you could imagine" he sounded rough, like he was forcing the words out, but he also sounded hurt. "but what you're feeling, I can't. I can't give it to you because it's too dangerous"

The words were hitting me I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. "But um, Travis, I know you feel it too. I see the way that you look at me, and that just makes it worse"

He stepped back and said "it's not that simple though, you don't know what you're asking. You don't know who I really am" my voice cracked, but I forced my words out"then tell me please, I can handle it. I just wanna understand"

"You don't want to be involved in the kind of life I'm living." he finally spoke

"So that's it?" I asked, upset.

He hesitated, but then said "Taylor, angel, if you need some time away to figure things out or to clear your head, I can help you with that. But if you are staying, then stay for you and not for me"

I paused and looked away, feeling the weight of everything pressing in on me. "I um, think I do need time off, to breathe. I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this" 

He nodded at me, his expression softer "Then go home Angel, just take all the time that you need" I nodded, the weight lifting off my chest, but not enough to make everything feel okay. I didn't feel okay. But I knew I couldn't keep pretending I was.

"You'll be okay, right?" I asked with a shakey voice. I didn't really mean to ask him  but it slipped out before I could stop it. He smiled a bit but there was a bit of sadness it his eyes that made me sad too. "I'll be okay Angel, don't worry about me"

I looked at him one more time and then went to leave but before I did, he called out.

"Taylor." I stopped and looked back at him "Just take care of yourself, okay" he said with a raw voice. The simple words felt heavy, but I could tell he meant it. I could also tell he was letting me go even if he did not want to do it.

A few days after

I'm really not sure how this happened, but it did and it changed everything even more. I just randomly stumbled to a bar in a quiet spot, one I didn't visit in a while. I just need a place to drown out my thoughts they have been swirling around. Ever since the conversation at the station with Travis, my heart ached every time I thought about him. I just had to forget about him, seemingly like he wanted me to. But of course by some crazy chance he would be here. The world was probably playing a rude joke on me. I even thought he would be on duty right now.

I froze when I spotted him, my stomach twisting. There he was standing at the bar with his back to me. I didn't know if he saw me but I kind of hoped he didn't. My heart was beating so fast and I couldn't focus on anything besides him standing there. I just wanted to walk out and pretend I never saw him but something kept me in place, kept me looking at him and before I could make up my mind, he turned around and met my gaze
The world stopped for a second as I saw surprise and confusion in his eyes before he did the last thing I thought he would do. He walked towards me, "Angel, I didn't think I would see you here" he said quietly as he stopped in front of me
My chest tightenedb at this heavy weight that hung between us, pulling us closer even though we'd both tried so hard to distance ourselves. I opened my mouth to say something but no words would come as my mind was racing.

He kept his gaze locked on mine as he took a step closer. Before I even knew what was happening, his hand was on my arm, and his lips were on mine. It was fast and almost desperate, crashing over me like a wave. His lips were soft, but the way he was kissing me. It took my breath away and swept me off my feet. I didn't expect it but my body reacted before my mind even did because I felt all the nerves in my body tingled.

I felt so happy in that moment, but then it ended. Then it all hit me and I felt my heart pounding. I saw Travis pull away like it was the hardest thing he's ever done. He has a pale face and wide eyes, like he just realized what we did

he looked panicked before saying "Taylor...I shouldn't have done that.  I can't"

Before I could say anything, I felt a tear slip down my cheek and then another and then more and then I couldn't stop them. My chest tightened, and sobs I had been holding back for days came rushing to me suddenly.

"Well why would you do that then?" My voice was broken and hurt. I was definitely not prepared for any of this.

"Angel, I can't do this, can't let you in. Its too dangerous" his words were like knives

"But you just 𝘬𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 me," I said sobbing "So now you just want to push me away again?" I was barely able to breathe

His hands were trembling as he ran them through his hair "you don't get it Taylor, I can't have you in my world because it's not safe for you. I can't protect you from it. I saw the pain on his expression, like it hurt him to say those words to me. My tears were falling freely now, "Why do you keep pulling me in? I can't keep pretending that I don't want you" I wiped my eyes "what's stopping us?"

"Because you don't know the kind of person I am, and I can't let you find out." The words hurt me and I felt so overwhelmed, taking a step back. I didn't know how to fix this. I didn't know how to convince him that I wasn't afraid of whatever it is that is keeping us apart. Him shutting me out was breaking me. Before I could even say anything, he just said "sorry" and walked away. He left me crying, walked out on me for the second time. I just wanted to know why. If we couldn't be together at least I wanted to know why we couldn't. I didn't wanna live forever like this.

I knew this couldn't be over. It couldn't be when it felt like we were meant to be together. I was going to somehow figure this out. But for now I just stood there with the faint taste of his kiss, wishing it didn't have to be like this for us.

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