Loser/Lover

Right words, Wrong person

This year was the worst, and it has changed me a lot. I used to be someone who would fall hard, love easily and get hurt of course, easily.
But this year changed me drastically, now I am not afraid of getting hurt anymore. I text back to guys knowing that I won't like them, and when they behave the way I had predicted in my mind- I feel more sure of myself than ever.
At least I am good at guessing them!

These men send me all sorts of ice breakers- all sorts of words beautifully beaded together just to get a reply from me, and I know that they have sent this same message to hundreds of other women and I am not unique at all.

So it doesn't really leave much of an impact on me, neither do I feel bad for ignoring these people. It's all the same, good looking men, bad looking, therapists, psychopaths- they all are not at all different from each other.

Or maybe it's me who can't differentiate between them.

As usual one of these men sent me a very flowery and lovely text(which is surely copy pasted to several women too) but when I saw that text I felt really warm, yeah, even though it was copy pasted..-

"I am not great at cooking, but I promise to never let you go hungry-pizza delivery is just a call away. I can't dance, but I'll happily embarrass myself trying if it makes you smile. So, how about we team up? You, me, forever. I'll be the goofy sidekick, and together we'll tackle life one laugh at a time. What do you say- partners in crime for life?"

I instantly smiled when I read those words, but that smile disappeared when I looked at his picture.

Right words from the wrong person

This line flashed in my mind making me realise my feelings that I have been ignorant towards all this time.

Even if BTS said those words to me, I won't budge. I will appreciate it, but it won't leave any effect on me. Even if the sexiest man in this universe said those words to me, I won't waver and I may end up sleeping with him but my heart won't waver. Even if the most powerful man/woman said those words to me holding a bouquet in one hand and a promise to stay forever together in the form of a ring-

My heart..still won't budge. It will keep sighing, pining and looking for him in other people.
I realised how deep inside this shit I was when I started falling for men that even slightly resembled him..

Every man that reflected his laugh, his smile, his humour..his face..
I am disgusted with myself

I thought I was over him. I am over him maybe..I don't get enthusiastic when I talk about him but what do I do about this little smile that my lips hold, the sparkles that my eyes sprinkle and the brightness that I exude..
What do I do with all of that?

One of these random men asked me about him and I restrained myself.. I wanted to keep talking about him but I also didn't want the other guy to figure out something..so I just didn't say much.

He asked what kind of person he was..and honestly it's hard to put in words. I don't even know anymore.

What kind of person is he? Why do I like him?

Why this heart of mine keeps seeking a love that's impossible to obtain?

Why do I keep imagining these scenarios where we meet and fall in love?

What's the answer. I don't know.
I don't want to know anymore.