Renting Hearts

twenty-seven- post-nut clarity

Jadesola

I ran away from home.

Actually, I wouldn’t put it that way. But this morning, after I successfully slipped out of Jonathan’s arms and his office, I took a shower and disappeared before he woke up.

I needed a break. I needed to think. I needed to clear my head, and most importantly, I needed to wallow in my post-nut clarity shame alone.

A part of me wished I could turn back the hand of the clock, but there was another part of me—the part of me that couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened last night.

The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I felt for initiating what happened between me and Jonathan last night. I didn’t know why I felt this way, or maybe I knew, but I wasn’t going to talk about it.

Maybe it would be better if I talked about it. Maybe I would be able to talk about it if I could stop the emotion stirring in my stomach and the tears stinging in my eyes.

I was able to get past the security at the Estate where Ima and Chichi lived. I didn’t know why I came here, but I did, and as I waited for either one of them to open the door, I tried to calm my racing heart.

This was stupid. Nobody runs away after having a sex-filled night with a man. I never did run away except for when it was with Ayomide. But no, no way I would admit that the shame I was feeling right now felt similar to the one I had each time with Ayomide. It wasn't the same, things with Jonathan were way more different, better even.

I knew this because I realised this morning that I wasn't just getting attached to Jonathan, I was in love with him, and that was messed up. It suddenly made the thought of facing Jonathan scare me. I hated myself for letting this happen to me, knowing fully well that Jonathan would never feel the same way. 

“Jade,” Chichi called as she opened the door, her eyes hooded with marks of sleep. Glancing to both sides, she added, “What are you doing here this early, babe? It’s 6:30.”

I pushed past her into the apartment, escaping from the cold air which was an aftermath of the downpour earlier this morning. I glanced around the apartment I had lived in until just some months ago. The familiar air filled my lungs as I hurried to the living room, where I slumped on the couch and buried my face in my palm, letting some of the tears flow.

“I messed up, I really messed up, Chichi,” I cried into my palm.

“What’s going on?” I heard the sound of Ima’s voice followed by her footsteps. “What happened?” her weight dipped onto the couch beside me.

I pulled my face up and glanced at Ima whose eyes widened at the sight of my wet cheeks. Meanwhile, Chichi, who was standing in front of us, hurried to the other side of the couch.

“What happened?” Chichi asked. “Are you okay? Did you guys fight?”

I shook my head. “That would have been better,” I said, glancing at Chichi and then Ima. “We had sex,” I blurted.

“You guys had sex!” They yelled simultaneously, eyes wide and I felt more tears fill my eyes. This shouldn’t have happened.

“Wow,” Chichi muttered under her breath.  

Ima re-positioned herself on the couch and bending her knees, her hand rested on them. “But why are you crying though? I mean it’s better than fighting, or did he force himself on you?” Ima asked, and Chichi gasped in horror.

“No, no, that was not what happened, okay. I— I initiated the sex,” I stuttered.

“Okay?” Ima said as they both kept their gazes on me waiting for me to go on. Why were they smiling like I didn't mess things up?