Bloom

Chapter- 31

Zayn

I fucking hate myself. I fucked up hard. Stella won't listen to my pleas and I don't even blame her. I did wrong by her but not for selfish reasons or because I thought she was undesirable. She is solely the only girl I think is fucking beautiful inside out. She is the hottest thing that has ever existed, I can get rock hard just thinking about her. She is my best friend. She is my rock. She is my saviour. She is mine.

My drinking or smoking doesn't change the way I feel about her though it might have changed the way she feels about me. Out of all the reasons she thought why I didn't fuck her last night, not even a single one was close to correct. The truth is I'm mindlessly, hopelessly falling for her. In love. I know, I know. It's fucking scary and I shiver every time I think of myself in love. But who am I fucking kidding? It's Stella. I avoided it long enough but I always knew deep down that she is it for me.

I backed away from taking her virginity because I was terrified of myself and for her. Because I confronted my feelings and they were drenched in red. Because I didn't want to hurt her like I always hurt people. Because I'm not used to light. Because I don't want her to give me something that is so pure and sacred to her. Because I'm in love with her and it's so fucking scary.

Her anger is understandable and so is her hurting. That's exactly why I'm here; to fix my mistake. To let her lash out her anger on me and then for me to hold her until she hurts less. Because for once in my life I really am sorry. I will tell her I love her and then let her decide if she really wants me back in her life. That is the right thing to do. I can't live without her. I don't breathe the same without her, I feel so fucking empty inside as if someone ripped my heart out and took it away to a far away land, leaving an undeniable hollowness behind.

"Stella. I'm really fucking sorry. I mean it. Please don't push me away. Open the door babygirl." I will try harder and if not hours, I'll try for days until Stella takes me back.

"Please! Stel, I beg you." A lone tear slips on my cheek. The accumulating guilt of hurting her gets to me and her rejection trifolds it. I feel so helpless. It was my doing that got me here, my actions, my words. All these feelings are eating me up and suddenly I feel like taking a break from knocking.

My back hits the wall along the door and I fall sliding across it. I stare at the plain wall in front of me. It was you Zayn. You. Again. Why are you such a fuck up? The tears flow in heaps as I try to catch my breath.

....

"Oh my god!" A soft voice brings me back to consciousness, "Zayn, are you okay?" Stella. Stella's voice brings me back into the world, a bittersweet reminder of my wrongdoings.

Her fingers brace my shoulder, shaking me, "Get up Zayn." I try to push my head off the wall but only end up falling ahead, onto Stella's arm.

"Shit." She whispers. I can't open my eyes, it's too early in a hangover over for me to face light. So I just stay limp on her arm, as the veins in head throb.

"Come on. Let's get you inside." Stella lifts my face up and curls her arm around my bicep tugging it. I must admit all and any disturbance during a hangover is off limits to me, but I could listen to her voice in the wildest of pains and it'll help me recover. Just like it does now, her voice pumps life into me and by some miracle I push myself off the ground. Stumbling to find my balance, I lean on Stella while she walks me into her apartment.

Her scent dissolves in my lungs and instantly recovers me from the constraints that wouldn't let me breathe. I feel a rush of relief in her touch. Her presence alone can undo me, even if she doesn't talk to me. As long as she lets me breathe the same air as her I'll be the happiest man alive. It's true that we become fools in love. I am a fool.