Poems to and from the moon and jellyfish

Poem #12 My Withering Tears

My Withering Tears
__________

Feeling blue today
It's a pounding
I want to cry
Maybe even till I die
I don't know why
Why do I feel like the blue lifeless ocean
Could you believe
In someone loving someone
So worthless
And selfish
But did it for you.

It feels bleak waiting for you
waiting for your text.. call
My eyes want to water all-day
Because of how I made you feel
Because of what I've said
It's 2:22 pm
It's been 4 hours at best
I can't even go long without speaking to you
I miss you
I miss your voice, your face
I can't even write
Without withering a tear
I called you 48 times
Left a voice message
My voice cracked

Have you eaten?
Have you drunk?
How are you now?
Are you okay?
Is your heart okay?
Has your mind cleared
Because I can't stop thinking
I don't want to drink
Or eat
Or even get up
I just want to think of you
I can't stop
.... Goodbye

You don't have to text me
Or talk to me
I just need you
Why can I never be there for you
Even when I try to
I fail.

To think this was your fault
It's not
It was never your fault
It was all mine
And it always will be
I always hurt you
Makes you feel alone
And yet you call me the best
While I cry with a smile on my face
To see me hurt you...

I can't even express it without a tear on my face
Or me being so vulnerable I mess up
I wanted something so special
That I messed everything up
I messed up yesterday
And your morning today
I messed up today
And maybe tomorrow
To the times you leave me
And don't talk to me
I sit and cry
I turn my phone off
I block you
I fall asleep
I even try to not eat
But I can never get you off my mind
I can never get the fact
Of the feeling
I hurt you.

The times you leave
You hurt me
You leave me
There
Waiting
Crying
I hope that you're okay
Hoping that maybe I can help you
Maybe I can cheer you up
But somehow
I mess up everything up
And say something that sets you off
I can never help you
Or love you correctly
So how am I the best?
How am I so perfect
That you leave me
Sitting there crying because I hurt you
And your leaving hurt me too...

We knew the end was coming near
So why would you hold back
It was pleasing
But it made me upset
It made me feel as if I made nothing special
No matter how much both were pleased
It made me sad
And lying wasn't better
I knew you didn't do it
I knew you wouldn't
I was just so embarrassed and disappointed
That made that time for me
Not pleasing
It was nice and all
But it wasn't for me...
It felt disgusting
For my body
I wanted to make something so nice
That even when two celestial bodies
Are pleased
My mind was not

I wanted to not only please myself
But even with the pleasure of you
I didn't do please or pleasure
You made a mistake before
But one mistake now
I didn't know how much I'd be embarrassed of myself
Because I thought I ruined everything
Because of my body
Or my mind
Or anything
There is no mistake on
Doing something early
You shouldn't embarrassed
Holding yourself to the embarrassing thing ever
Because to a female
That means that she never fully fulfilled her role
In what pleasure means

To a man that means nothing
To a female, it means nothing but being made into something
I was the easel and you the painter couldn't finish his painting
I wanted to end in silence
I wanted you to be happy
It felt as if the first time
You didn't finish
But now did I
How was I in so much pleasure
But yet I can only see visibly.
Me not seeing
Or even feeling
Can seem displeasing

The embarrassment one has felt
Shouldn't be felt again
My mind has, please
But my body did
I wanted everything to go right
Everything did but that
I wanted to not feel disappointed that I could do something with my body instead of being a pleasure person for someone else
I never thought that
Something so early could lead to embarrassment
But disappointed when nothing comes
I wanted to cry
But I had to seem happy and fulfilled
I wanted you to be happy
I just knew that it wasn't gonna ever come.

The end