Dixon's Girl- TWD

Connections

Jody Pov

Merle and mama didn't know that Freddie had conceived my baby. They knew what he had done but me and daryl swore that daryl was the father. I'm not stupid. I know they have speculations. But I didn't care. I wasn't going to go through the courts to have him locked away. It was too painful and he'd be angry once he got out. It was safer to just stay out of Freddie way

Me and daryl had hardly been sleeping, with Daniel crying every hour for a feed.

"Go back to sleep," I told daryl as he sat up watching me breastfeed Daniel. He was only a few days old and already daryl had gotten into a routine of getting up with me. I decided to breastfeed simply for the cost benefits but that meant I had to be the one who woke up every time with the baby

"No. If you're up, I'm up."

"Daryl, you have work in a few hours. I don't mind. Honest." Truthfully, I liked the company. It was much nicer having someone there to sit with me in the dark. Baby Daniel was sweet, but he wasn't very good company

Daryl leant his head against my shoulder, kissing it softly and rubbing his hand over Daniels head. "I cant believe how much I love him."

"Yeah, he's cute."

Daryl lifted his head and I felt his eyes on me. But I couldn't look at him. I was ashamed.

"Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine."

"No its not. Yesterday you were saying how amazing he was and how you were proud of yourself for doing this. And now he's just cute? Come on, somethings wrong. I'm hear to listen, no judgement."

I nodded me head and took a deep breath, peeling my eyes away from the baby and towards daryl. "I love our son. Atleast, I think I do. But sometimes I look at him and he just reminds me of what I've been trying to escape. And now its like ill never be able to get away from Freddie because part of him will always be here. I don't...I'm not sure....daryl, I don't know if I can keep the baby."

Tears stung my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I was a terrible mother, and I saw daryls eyes glistening in the dark. He too was crying. He wiped my tears with the back of his thumb and pulled me into his chest, Daniel still in my arms. "It's okay. I understand. This is a big decision. I wish I could help more but I don't know what to say. Whatever you do, I'm here for you. I love Daniel, and if you think this isn't the best place for him, then I'm behind you 100%. Just really think about this before you make a final decision."

"I've done nothing but think these past few days. Do you feel the same way?"

"Yeah, of course."

"You're lying, aren't you? Daryl, just tell me the truth. I won't be upset. I just want to understand and I want you to understand me. Do you feel the same way?" I asked again

He shook his head. "Honestly, no. I don't feel any sort of anger towards Daniel."

"Tell me how. Please. I want to feel the same."

"You went through this terrible thing and no matter where you go, you aren't going to forget it. But now you have Daniel. He's the good thing that's come out of this awful situation so whenever I think about it, think about him...touching you, I also think about how strong you are and this beautiful little boy that was born from something so ugly. And for that, I love him even more."

I smiled up at daryl, kissing his cheek. "That was beautiful. I want to see him like that. But...what if I'm not a good mama?"

"Are you kidding? You have had 3 days to adjust to this life changing thing and already you know what you're doing. You're a great mama."

"But what if I'm not great enough?" I persisted. "What if Daniel turns out like Freddie?"

Daryl took my face in his hands and looked me dead in the eye. "Don't say that. We are going to raise him to be good and kind. He's going to be like you, not like that jackass."

"If he has daughters, I'll never sleep at night."

"Maybe that's how you feel now. But what about when you know him? When he develops a personality, you'll see the kind boys he's gonna be because of you."

I nodded against his hands and he bought me closer, kissing my forehead.

When Daniel was finished eating, I placed him in the crib that was next to our bed. Our room was decorated but the nursery was no where near done. We didn't necessarily have any preparation time like most parents.

As I looked down at the baby, I really didn't feel how most mothers describe. I loved him, but...because he was a baby. It wasn't a motherly love. It was more the kind of love a person feels when they see an adorable baby or a puppy. Or they see a child helping an elderly person. It wasn't the need to protect and nurture this child. Something was wrong with me

"Hey, lie down," daryl said, pulling me down to him. He wrapped his arms around me so my back was against his chest.

"I don't feel a connection with him."

"I know. We'll figure it all out. It'll take time, Jo. I love you."

"I love you too."