Honest Confessions of Letting Go

Deserved

She is a girl. Sometimes I like to make myself feel better by thinking that she probably has a huge black penis and she has to roll it up three times before she can put her pants on and you try to look past that, but one day you're going to be so freaked out that you'll end it right there and then come running to my house with flowers because you miss me.

Sometimes I like to think that she is the worst person in the world. Console myself with the minute flaws that everyone has. Think of every mean comment she has ever said or stupid thing she's done.

Sometimes I critique her. In my head. In the worst ways. Sometimes I have to tell myself that you've downgraded. That I deserved so much better anyway.

Sometimes I'm jealous of the way her scars heal against her bare skin, barely as visible as mine. Her sleeves rolled up, fresh cuts visible on her arm. I make sure my sleeves are pulled down, no weather is too hot. I wince when someone hugs too hard, my stomach stinging.

Sometimes I'm jealous that now she has you. Caring about her. Loving her. I wonder if you accidently call her my name. I wonder if you call her princess. If it's too much to think you'd consider that our sacred territory. If it's too much to think that she doesn't deserve it. She can have "baby", but I still want to be "Princess". Maybe some part of me still wants to be your princess.

Sometimes I remember how pretty she is when she smiles. How we freaked out because this chick looked like a hot dude and we were both straight. Sometimes remember I have to forget that we both cry, that we both have problems. Sometimes I remember that we loved each other, we were close, we were friends.

Sometimes I don't care what you've done to me. But if you can hurt me like that, sometimes I have to remember that she deserves better than you.