Exuberance Is Beauty (Book 1)

Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

June 1945

Oregon

The car ride was somber. What else could it be? The world seemed large and I was drifting away from it. As much as I feared and grieved, I wondered how it was that I'd never before considered the fact that I could just leave. I must have seemed pleasingly simple to Jeff Lambert, living my life in Sellwood without a thought of any other way. Jeff. He had once told me about a poet, William Blake, and his songs of innocence and experience. "Ignorant Bliss," he had explained "It's naiveté, a little prison of complacency. Experience is much more painful," he'd told me, "but it's authentic."

It seemed most of the trip was through thick forests. Harry's car bumped along every mile encouraging the worst kind of morning sickness. The four-hour ride was interminable. At least there was Carmen, gossiping and joking. She couldn't have known that it hurt me to hear. I would no longer be in that orbit. I would no longer roll my eyes at Kitty's insinuations about some poor, unsuspecting soul. Even my memories of Nick were boxed up, in the trunk of the car. Despite my will, my thoughts of Jeff Lambert were ever present. I'd shoo them away and they'd return and linger. These were not the dreams of love, that ignorant bliss I had for those months. Instead, these were thoughts of truth, seeping in. His eyes on that last day. "All right then, I'll let you go. I can see you have things to do." No emotion. No apology.

"Here have something to eat darling, it will help your morning sickness." Carmen offered a small cookie. She looked into my eyes. I'd known her all my life and as I reached over the seat for the cookie I examined her in a new way. I knew all of her, her bright emerald eyes, her red painted nails. I was loosing her too. My eyes welled up.

"Oh sweetheart, don't cry. This is only temporary. Tell her she'll be back, Harry."

In his usual manner Harry nodded but kept his eyes on the road.

"Oh Harry, come on that's hardly assurance!"

Harry's eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. "You'll be all right Evie."

I put the cookie on my lap and put my face in my hands and started crying.

"Eve, you're going to get chocolate chips on your dress." I looked up at her, picked up the treat and put it on the seat beside me.

"Harry pull over. I'm going in back with Evie."

Harry pulled the car to the side of the road. When Carmen opened the door, there was a pungent earthy smell. The weather was drizzly and wet. It was cold, as it can be in Portland early summer. Carmen got out of the car and maneuvered herself into the back. She picked up the cookie I'd left beside me.

"Here Harry, put this in the bag." She handed it to him and moved closer to me. She put her arm around me and I placed my head on her shoulder and cried. Harry started up the car and we were on our way again. Carmen remained close beside me. What would I have done without her?

She whispered to me, "This could turn out to be wonderful for you Eve."

I dried my tears, "I don't think so."

"You told me yourself you were a little excited about the baby. Harry's sister is wonderful. I wouldn't say that if it weren't true."

"I believe you."

"I know it seems as though you've given up everything, but really you haven't. You just have to have the baby."

We sat quietly for a time and I moved closer to the window and watched the miles pass. The muted colors made me think of Jeff's paintings. All of those pictures of my garden. Of me. Even the one's he had never displayed, the nudes of me. Naked with impressionistic colors swirling around me. The Gardener. He'd sworn he'd never show those to anyone. I remembered his hands on my body and I could even recall what I'd thought back then. In the beginning, I'd told myself, "I deserve this. I deserve a love affair after all I've been through." That selfish thought might have been the opening line to some book. Some story about the wages of deception, selfishness. Once I'd let him in, he moved around my home --my life-- as if he were entitled to whatever he wanted.