30 Day Letter Challenge [tumblr]

Day 02: Your Crush

Dear Crush,

Hi. That’s the lamest way to start a letter – I know. But it’s also all we seem to say to each other. I have a pretty good idea of why that is: you’re pretty closed off yourself and I’m not completely myself around you so I act like I don’t care. I actually care a lot, and if I could I’d care even more. The only thing really stopping me is that I don’t really know you that well.

You know, you confuse the hell out of me. I get that our first encounter wasn’t exactly ideal and the Extremely Awkward Age between us that ensued as a result of our first meeting took a long time to end. But I thought we were over that; you even said so yourself! The way you treat me is killing me! One moment I think you hate me; the next day you make me feel stupid; the day after you act like you want me; a week later it seems like we’re just friends… I wish I could read your mind because, honestly, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not even sure you want me in your life. I mean, I did kind of attack you when you weren’t expecting it and I guess you could say I kind of forced you to be my friend after the Extremely Awkward Age.

I want so badly to know what you think of me, but your general demeanour is that of someone who doesn’t give a shit about other people’s opinions. So I don’t think you’d be impressed to find out that I value yours so highly. That’s my problem, basically. I want you to like and think well of me, but I don’t know how to do that. I hardly know anything about you, except for a few details about your Past. But I can’t even talk to you about that because you ignore me half the time.

Everyone says I should just ask you out or tell you how I feel but I don’t think they could possibly understand how much that idea terrifies me. If you say no [which I’m convinced you will], it’ll just begin a second Awkward Age between us and I really want to be at least friends with you. The fact that you ignore me so much now already depresses me; imagine how I would feel if you were actively avoiding me. Or even worse, if you find out about my feelings I’m kind of scared you’d be a douche and just use them to your advantage. I’m not too sure you’d do that though. For all I know, you’re currently aware of how I feel about you. Pretty much everyone knows anyway. God, I hate Truth or Dare…

It’s kind of difficult for me to show and/or talk about my true feelings, and I believe it’s even more difficult for you, due to your Past. One thing I would love, even if I can’t be with you, is for you to let me care about you. I know about some of the bad things that have happened to you, and I wish you’d just let me in; let me be a proverbial shoulder. It’s not just because I have non-platonic feelings for you – I care about a lot of people and am always glad to help. Being emotionally close to you would be a pretty cool bonus though. I know, I know – that’s selfish of me but I can’t help what I want. I wish for a lot of things actually, but – like this – I doubt they’re ever going to come true. I just hope you never read this and figure out it’s directed at you.

Yours,

Lora