The Timeline [h.s.]

78.

February 7th, 2019:

"Do you think it's possible to love someone and still not want to be with them?"

The question was the first thing Claire uttered that day inside of the studio with Donna, during their weekly session.

Truth be told, Claire had been pondering very hard about asking Donna that. She kind of had a hunch of where Donna would be taking the session once she heard that question, and she really didn't want to hear any of it. Out of all the things the two of them had discussed (and they had discussed quite a lot ever since Claire had started going regularly, almost a year prior), this was the one thing Claire didn't agree on. Donna was too set on trying to make Claire see that she wasn't a problem and wasn't hard to love, and that her relationship with her parents hadn't been her fault; but, Claire reasoned: if everyone she had ever been with, either romantically or platonically, found a reason to leave her, or didn't even try to be with her, that must've been a sign, wasn't it? Donna didn't seem to understand.

And still, Claire couldn't hold in that question anymore.

Ever since that drunken phone call from Harry - the last one, on his birthday - she hadn't been able to think about anything else. Whenever she closed her eyes, or when she encountered a moment of quiet in her own house, or when she let her mind wander a bit, all she could seem to think about was Harry. And his words. What he had said.

I love you, Claire. I love you baby. Love you so much. Miss you, I love you.

I love you Claire. I love you, I love you, I love you.

In an ideal world, those words should've made her the happiest person to ever exist. Wasn't that what everyone wanted to hear?

And yet, Claire wasn't doing fine. She wasn't happy about hearing those words. She didn't know how to react, mostly. Didn't know if she could believe them. Because, after all, Harry was still on the other side of the world, in Japan, and she was there, in England, and he hadn't made a single effort trying to contact her with his actual phone number since disappearing and Claire knew he wouldn't do that. If he had wanted to, he would've done so much earlier. He wouldn't have needed to be drunk and use someone else's phone to do so, like she was a plague he didn't want any trace of on his actual phone.

Obviously, that phone call had been her last straw.

Claire had blocked the number once and for all, keeping away the possibility of seeing its calling again, and risking falling victim to answering, just to hear Harry's voice, or ask him if he truly meant it.

But could he, really? Could he actually mean it?

And if he did mean it, why wasn't he there? Why hadn't he stayed? Why had he run away and only told her such a monumental thing once he was drunk out of his mind, using someone else's phone (from the looks of it, behind their back as well?)

Claire had spent a lot of time thinking about that, since it had happened. How could she not, after all?

Had it only been a drunk utterance? Something he had been too afraid to admit out loud? And why would he be afraid? Hadn't he understood that she, too, had feelings for him?

The only explanation she had come up with - something that lined up perfectly with her life experiences and relationships up to that point - was that sadly, Harry might have meant those words in some way. He must love her in some way, otherwise he wouldn't have said that; but, at the same time, he knew that loving her, trying to be with her must've been impossible, because she was hard to love and be with. Therefore, he couldn't do it. Therefore, he had run away after their night together. Therefore, he was hiding from her in Japan, and not contacting her, except when he was drunk and couldn't think better of his actions. Therefore, he must have asked his friends there to please keep an eye on him and not let him call her, lest he suffer and find himself entangled in her web, unable to escape once he was in too deep. Therefore, they had wrenched the phone out of his hands, cutting the phone call short.