A Thousand Second Chances

Kabanata 5

Realization

Matapos ang hapunan, lumabas ako ng bahay para magpahangin. Tahimik ang paligid, tanging tunog ng mga kuliglig at alon mula sa ilog ang maririnig.

Mula sa veranda, tanaw ko ang makipot na kalsada na may iilang poste ng ilaw, bahagyang nanginginig ang liwanag nito sa ihip ng hangin. Sa dulo, may isang lumang waiting shed na natatakpan ng gumagapang na halaman. Nandoon din sa bandang kanan ang ilog na bahagyang sumasalamin sa liwanag ng buwan. May mga bangkang nakatali sa pampang, marahang sumasayaw sa tubig. Nilingon ko ang isang bakanteng lote na may nagtataasang damo at isang puno ng mangga na parang bantay sa madilim na gabi.

It was so quiet here. Too quiet.

I wondered why. Why did this place feel so still, so untouched? Back in Manila, the air was different. Always thick with movement, filled with the rush of people who seemed to be running out of time. There was always something happening, something urgent. But here, everything paused.

My phone vibrated in my hand, Huey's name flashing on the screen. I stared at it for a moment, then let it ring until it stopped. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Not yet.

I sighed, hugging my arms as the cold night air wrapped around me. Just as I was about to close my eyes, I heard the door creak open. Footsteps echoed on the wooden veranda.

Si Papa.

He walked past me at first, stopping near the railing. For a moment, he just stood there, gazing at the dark sky. Then, without looking at me, he spoke.

"Alam mo, anak, ang ilog, kahit gaano katahimik sa ibabaw, may agos pa rin sa ilalim."

I swallowed, his words sinking into me deeper than I wanted them to. I kept my eyes on the ground, pretending not to understand. But he knew me better than that.

He sighed, then turned to me. His voice was gentler this time.

"Hindi mo kailangang ikulong sa loob mo lahat, Loria. Minsan, kailangan mong hayaan yung alon na dalhin kung anong bumibigat sa’yo."

I bit my lip, my chest tightening. He wasn’t asking, but he was giving me the space to admit it. To say it out loud. I glanced at my phone, still resting on my lap, Huey's missed call staring back at me.

"Pa… bakit gano’n? Kapag nagtatagal, nagbabago?"

Hindi siya agad sumagot. Narinig ko lang ang mahinang pagbuga niya ng hangin, na parang matagal na rin niyang iniisip ang sagot sa tanong ko.

"Anong klaseng pagbabago, anak?" tanong niya pabalik.

Napakagat ako sa labi. "Hindi ko alam. Basta… No’ng una, ang dali lang. Ang saya. Pero habang tumatagal, parang may nagbabago. Nagiging kumplikado. Hindi ko alam kung may kulang o… ako lang ‘yung nag-iisip nang ganito."

Tumango si Papa, parang iniintindi ang bigat ng mga salitang binitiwan ko.

"Kayo ni mama, nmay nagbago ba sainyo?" mahina kong tanong, pero alam kong dinig niya.

Napangiti siya nang bahagya, pero may lungkot sa mga mata niya nang lumingon sa akin. "Oo, anak. Lahat naman siguro dumadaan diyan."

"Paano niyo nalagpasan?"

Nagtagal bago siya sumagot. Kinuha niya ang upuan malapit sa akin at umupo, nakatingin pa rin sa malayo.

"Hindi laging madali," aniya. "May mga araw na parang hindi na namin kilala ang isa’t isa. May mga panahon na pakiramdam namin, baka mas madaling sumuko na lang. Pero alam mo kung ano'ng dahilan kung bakit kami nanatili?"

Tumango ako nang mahina, hinihintay ang sagot niya.

"Pinili namin, araw-araw."

Nagkulubot ang noo ko. "Pinili?"

"Oo," sagot niya.

"Pagmamahal hindi lang pakiramdam, anak. Hindi lang ‘yung masaya kayo, hindi lang ‘yung kinikilig ka. Pagmamahal, araw-araw ‘yang pinipili kahit mahirap, kahit minsan parang hindi mo na maintindihan. Kasi kung iiwan mo basta dahil nagbago na ang pakiramdam mo… baka hindi naman pagmamahal ‘yun simula pa lang."

Natigilan ako.

My thoughts tangled like the vines on the old waiting shed. Papa’s words weighed on me in a way I wasn’t prepared for. But there was still one more thing I needed to ask. Something I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear.

I took a deep breath, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Nagawa mo bang mapagod kay Mama?"

Papa stilled.

Alam kong hindi niya inaasahan ang tanong ko.

For a moment, he just stared into the distance. Then, he let out a quiet chuckle. It is not the kind that came from amusement, but the kind that carried the weight of experience.

"Oo," he finally admitted. "Napagod ako."

A lump formed in my throat. I wasn’t sure how I felt about his answer. Maybe I had hoped he would say no. That love, when real, was endless and unshaken. But a part of me understood.

"Kailan?" I asked.

"Maraming beses," he said. "Napagod ako ‘pag hindi namin magkaintindihan. Napagod ako ‘pag pakiramdam ko, hindi niya ako pinapakinggan. Napagod ako ‘pag iniisip ko kung tama pa ba ‘yung ginagawa ko."

I swallowed hard. "Bakit hindi mo siya iniwan?"

He turned to me then, and for the first time, I saw it—the weight of the years, the struggles, the moments of doubt. But beneath all of that, there was something stronger.

"Dahil ang pagod, anak, lumilipas," he said softly. "Pero ang pagmamahal, kung totoo, hindi nawawala. Minsan, kailangan mo lang magpahinga. Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon, bibitawan mo na."

I bit my lip, trying to hold back the sting in my eyes.

His words echoed in my mind, and suddenly, memories of Huey flooded in.

The nights we fought over the smallest things—when he would call, and I would ignore him, too stubborn to admit I missed him. The way he would sigh in frustration but never raise his voice at me. The times I felt like I wasn’t enough, like I was slowly becoming someone he wouldn’t love the same way.

"Bakit parang iba na?" I once asked him in the middle of an argument.

"Hindi iba," he had said, his voice tired but steady. "Nagbabago, oo. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nawala na ‘yung pagmamahal."

Back then, I wasn’t sure if I believed him. I thought love was supposed to be easy, effortless. But now, looking at Papa—at the man who had loved my mother through every season I started to wonder if love was never about keeping things the same. Maybe it was about choosing, every day, even when it wasn’t easy.

I looked down at my phone, Huey’s name still there on my missed calls.

And in that moment, I knew what I had to do.