the digital diary of actual trash

how to be happy

Ok so, in my last chapter i said i would explain my depression and anxiety. however, I was thinking, yes, occasionally i like to think, and i just thought, well, i could do that or i could do something that benefits them. 

by the way in the list there are a few trigger warnings of abuse and the illnesses, just a heads up.

so, instead of forcing you guys to listen to me cry virtual tears, i would tell you what i've learned from having the two disorders.

1. it is never your fault. ever.

when i had just started getting treatment, the first thing my counselor would say to me ever single time he saw me, not even hello, nothing other than the following sentence.

"Tessa, it is not your fault, and this does not define you and it does get better." 

every time i would cry, he would just give me a look, something that made me remember what he had said earlier. and i realized, he was absolutely right. nothing was wrong with me as a person, i didn't bring this upon myself, and it doesn't make me a person that's any different than i would have been. and its not your fault either, you, as a person, will not, and should not let this define you because you're worth more and it does get better and i'm proof.

with that being said, here is number two.

2. get help asap 

this is something a lot of people ignore. but please, please, please, do not do that! get help as soon as you can.

i started realizing something was up in about march of 2014, i let it sit until late april-early may, my dad and i talked about it until about the like early-mid part of june when he booked me an appointment with my family doctor, yes, you go to the doctor first. anyways, he gave me some advice, my options, counselors in my area, sites i could visit, phone numbers of help lines, which, by the way will all be linked at the bottom of this chapter.

after i went to my appointment, it was about august when i went to my first meeting, which is where the lady, or guy, or other asks you and whoever is with you a few questions and explains how the system works, after that, your company is asked to leave the room and they ask you in private, questions like...

"any drug use?"

"frequent destruction of property or starting fires at unauthorized times and places?"

"any childhood abuse?"

"anger problems?"

"on medication?"

when they say this they mean every medication you're on at the time, including creams, oils, inhalers and such.

once that's done, i was placed on a waiting list, i waited for about a month and my first appointment was in September, your list may vary in length from time to time and depending where you are, if you've been waiting for longer than what they've told you the expected wait was, or if didn't tell you and you feel like you've been waiting for a while, usually a month and a half or so. Then call the office and just politely and calmly when your appointment will be or how much longer the wait will be, if its something crazy like three months then you could go back to the doctor or ask the office if they know of other counseling offices. the wont get mad at you for asking, its your health.

so please, don't leave it untreated, it will become a deeper and deeper hole.

3. hating yourself is wasted energy when you could have used it to be happy.

i know, i know, its easier said then done, but if you want to feel better i've devised this little plan.

1. put in headphones and turn on your favorite song(s), make sure its pretty loud, but quiet enough so you can hear your voice. (if you have sensitive ears or don't like headphones, YouTube works just as well!)

2. listen to the songs for a few minutes, sing along, dance, do whatever, sit still if you want, just be relaxed in a neutral mood.

3.repeat these phrases for as long as you'd like, at least five times each.

-im a good person

-i am loved, i am needed and i am wanted.

-i am good enough

-im beautiful

-i deserve to be happy and healthy

-i love myself 

4. repeat when ever you need to be picked up.

(side note, you can say this in the car, on your way to therapy, the grocery store, on your bike, you can scream it, you can sing it, just do it whenever, happy or sad.)

one night in about September of last year, October was almost upon us and school was just starting up, and somehow, when i was listening to Lana Del Rey i just got compelled to do this, and i did it for an hour and a half, twice. 

and after a while i just stopped hating myself for things i had no control over, i stopped hating myself for being loud, for being so tall, for being awkward, for my anxiety, for my acne, my hair, my teeth. and i just thought.

'i had just spent almost my entire life hating myself for doing nothing wrong, because this is who i am as a person and i can do no better or no worse. i hated myself for not having people like me, when that was really out of my control, all the little things i had cried  over didn't matter anymore because i loved myself enough to know it wasn't worth it to do that anymore.'

and i can guarantee you, there is no better feeling than deleting your poetry, mending bad relationships and waking up the next morning and going, 'wow i love myself. '

always put your happiness and your health first.

and there you go, that's how to be happy.

(here is a web site with a bunch of prevention and suicide phone numbers)

https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/24-hour-crisis-numbers/?gclid=CKHk-frvg8cCFZRgfgodExwBcw