SIOBHAN & SHIVIAN - (TNN)

WHEN YOU DONT ANSWER - VIV/SIOBHAN

This one shot is dedicated to cqptivating ❤️

As Viv hurried towards her destination she checked her watch, taking care not to spill the two drinks she was holding. She always saw Siobhan at the same time on the same day each week and she didn't want to be late. The blonde was her first thought each morning and her last thought each night - she had been for months now. As she sat down, Viv smiled warmly and said "you alright BonBon?" She watched as Siobhan smiled at the nickname, nodding as she replied "I'm good, how are you Viv?" Placing the coffee she'd bought for Siobhan down gently, the older woman took a moment to inhale the familiar, comforting smell of the strong, dark brew.

"I'm not so bad Bon, bumbling along. I've been thinking about you." Once again the blonde nodded, this time sympathetically as she'd done so many times before. In the past, she'd told Viv that she felt guilty for dragging the nurse into the mess she called her life. The chains that held the blonde down were tangled and heavy, some of them held by the man who'd stolen her away. The heaviest chains however led back to Siobhan's own hands, they always had, dragging her downwards whenever she'd tried to better her life. That had always been the most painful thing for Viv to witness, the way Siobhan blamed herself for the pain she'd endured.

The two women had become so comfortable with each other, they didn't always have to speak. Sometimes they simply sat, content in the knowledge that their presence was enough, nothing was expected of them. Eventually Viv tentatively asked "are things any better now?" The blonde didn't respond immediately, she took her time as she thought deeply before simply saying "I'm not sure things will ever be better. It's done now, that's my life." Viv knew all too well how hopelessness felt, she'd been through it but she'd also managed to beat it. Shaking her head Viv whispered "everything can get better Bon. It has to."

Momentarily, Viv looked down at the ground before looking up and into glassy emerald eyes. She felt tears threatening to fall as she reached out to the blonde "I'm so glad we met. You're so special Bon, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." Siobhan's hand felt weightless in hers and momentarily, Viv wished she could throw her arms around the younger woman. She never wanted to startle or push her however, so she sighed gently instead. There was something so unreachable about Siobhan's smile, so full of love and yet so saturated with sorrow. It was an indication of how happy she'd always felt within Vivs presence. It was a sign of how trapped she'd been for so long, desperately wishing that one day, she could break free of those chains.

The weekly meetings that kept both women going continued to persist, but nothing seemed to change. Viv felt so powerless, unable to change the fate of the woman she'd fallen so deeply in love with. She knew how others had always seen Siobhan and in all honesty after the stories she'd heard, she'd never blamed them. When she and Siobhan had met, she'd caught the blonde in the middle of a free-fall. The walls and defences Siobhan had always relied on to push people away had been beaten and broken down, long before Viv had arrived. It was simply devastating to Viv that she'd been the first to notice, the first to look at the blonde and see raw, unadulterated pain.

"You've been the greatest blessing of my life Viv. No matter what, you've shown me how it feels to be loved. I could have lived my entire life having no idea, if I'd never known you." Recently, every conversation had felt like a goodbye and this one was no different. Viv knew she'd never truly let Siobhan go, she'd never truly walk away, because she simply didn't have it in her. As long as she was able, she meet with the blonde, their appointment time a permanent fixture within her diary. She'd buy the same drinks, a black americano for Siobhan and a caramel latte for herself. Each and every time, she'd draw something on the lid of Siobhan's drink, a flower or a butterfly, perhaps a smiley face or a heart. The blondes beautiful smile had been committed to her memory from the very first moment she'd seen it, subtle but radiant as they'd chatted in the car park of the nursery.

All Viv wanted was to make Siobhan smile.

That was realistic, it was something she could hope for and achieve.

"I've got to go to work soon Bon. Is there anything you need to tell me, or anything you'd like to say?" Siobhan's voice was soft as she replied "I miss you so much." Viv frowned momentarily "I'm right here. I'm always right here." The nurse closed her eyes and took a deep breath, knowing that when she opened them, reality would hit as it always did. She wasn't insane and she wasn't stupid, she knew the truth, sometimes she simply wanted to forget. As she finally opened her eyes, Vivs gaze dropped down to the untouched coffee she'd placed on the ground. Looking up slightly, she allowed herself to read Siobhan's name, written on a polished, grey, gravestone. Viv ran her fingers through the grass on the ground next to her as she tried to conjure up the image of the beautiful blonde once again.

It was no use, the spell had been broken, Vivs mind had remembered and snapped out of its delusion. Each and every Monday morning at 09:30 on the dot, Viv visited Siobhan's final resting place. For just a little while, the memories she held so dear allowed Viv to see Siobhan sat there with her, smiling and talking. She never did stay long, because she was nothing but a memory, so she had nothing new to say. No new smiles, no new laughs and no new tears - Siobhan's story had been written in its entirety and now, the pen had been discarded. Viv allowed herself to touch the headstone, shivering slightly as she felt how freezing cold it was. She imagined Siobhan, alone and cold in the ground and she wondered, was she lonely? Did she get scared at night-time? Viv should have been holding the fragile blonde within her arms each and every night, but now that could never be.

"I'm so sorry to leave you BonBon." Leaving Siobhan behind felt like leaving her heart in the cemetery, and each and every time it was getting harder. Viv knew that the world had to keep on spinning but she couldn't understand why nobody seemed to care. Siobhan was simply a statistic, another woman who'd been lost to time, let down by the world in so many ways. Viv had been so lucky, she'd been so loved by her parents and since the day she'd been born she known how adored she was. Her life hadn't always been perfect, but the foundation she'd been so fortunate to have had been the thing she'd always returned to.

Standing up slowly, Viv inhaled deeply as the heaviness of her heart completely overwhelmed her. Loving Siobhan had genuinely felt as easy as breathing but now she was gone, Viv wasn't sure she'd ever breathe properly again. It was beginning to rain, so finally she allowed herself to cry. The rain and her tears soon became one as she willed herself to accept the finality of the situation, so irreversible, so hopeless. Viv hadn't been able to save Siobhan and now the complicated, beautiful, stubborn, precious blonde had been swallowed by the earth. Over and over again, Viv told herself to look for Siobhan in the sunrise and in the stars, she told herself that finally Siobhan had found the peace she'd never found in life. No matter what, nothing helped because Viv knew she could have shown her peace here on earth, she could have looked after her.

But she'd been too late.

"Can you forgive me?"

Viv would have given anything to hear Siobhan's answer.