Beginnings and Endings,

Feeling Alone

I never used to be like this but lately it's gotten worst and worst.

I just feel like crying all the time... you know that lump in your throat and any minute you just want to burst into tears? Sometimes you want to break down for no reason, sometimes because you have a bad day or the accumulation of bad days leading up to that point...

I feel like... I want to say that I do have someone, "friends" that I can speak to but do I really? Lately whenever I'm feeling down or want to talk, I feel bad for calling them, for reaching out because I feel like I would bring them down and true friends shouldn't make you feel this way. And so I wait and see if they call, if they care to reach out. They don't. This makes me feel SO incredibly rejected :(

I paint on this "I'm okay" face but every day it's a struggle to just get out of bed and be around people... to breathe it feels like. I've made a conscious effort to change this but because I've done this for such a long time, I actually don't know any other way around it. When people ask me how I am and I reply, "I'm fine" - what I really mean is "I'm hurting." I get that strangers would never get this but I wish sometimes friends and family would hear this and know the difference.

Does anyone else feel this way and want to talk? I could really use someone that is going through a similar feeling/experience...