Our Forever After (Tay Jardine and Jenna Mcdougall)

Real Life Hits

Tay:

Jenna was now off on tour and I was stuck most days at home waiting for the WATIC show that night somewhere within driving distance of my apartment. I think the boys were trying to be smart by making sure the shows were close by, but it only meant I stayed at home alone with my thoughts, my worst enemies. I felt lonely. 

The feeling of solitude quickly turned to depression, an acute form compared to how I had felt in the past, but I wasn't happy. I tried not to let anyone see it, I didn't want to worry anyone. My band mates didn't seem to see through the disguise, but of course my therapist did, which wasn't a bad thing he was the only person I really didn't mind telling the truth to. It was his job to listen to these problems. 

I told him even though I was out with the guys at least 3 times a week I felt like I was only connecting with them on a superficial level, not like friends. We all used to be so close, but I didn't feel like any of them could understand me anymore. I had changed so much. He replied that I needed to talk to them more, try and reconnect. Maybe try getting to the shows earlier and hang out with them more or find time to hang out with my other friends more. I had to find a way to not isolate myself or things would only get worse.

The next night we had a show I got there early and waited for the guys. I explained to them what had been going on and they all gave me hugs and told me they were here for me. I still didn't feel like we had the same relationship as before, it was a start though. I figured I would get out of this rut soon, but for the moment I was going to have to stay strong and hope nothing else came up that could make things worse. Of course with my luck that didn't happen. 

I guess my depression was effecting my performance on stage because at the end of our show our manager came up and told me he had to talk to me. "Jardine you really need to get your head back in the game. I know the past few months have been hard for you, but if you want to stay in the business you're going to have to up your skills. Tonight's performance was pretty...meh. Your voice just doesn't have the power it needs to." 

"Look, I'm trying. That's all I can do for the moment, maybe I need a refresher with a vocal coach and I'll look into that, but you're going to have to be patient." I said. I was holding back the tears that I felt like I was drowning in. I don't know why his words were effecting me so much, he hadn't even said anything that bad. 

"You have three months. If things aren't better by then we'll talk about it, but it probably won't be a very pleasant discussion." he walked off.

I clenched me jaw trying to hold back all the emotions. This wasn't helping me feel any better than I had be. I knew it wasn't smart to go back home at this time. My mind was full of self doubt and self destruction. Before I could ask someone to stay and hang out with me they were all telling me goodnight.

I drove back home still holding in the pain, it was overwhelming and the longer I felt it the less I felt like myself. I felt like I was on auto pilot. I had no control over my actions. It was a miracle I made it home safely. I guess my brain was still attached to my body, but my soul was somewhere else observing. At least the pain had dulled, but it didn't stop me from going back to my stupid ways.

Once in the house I paced the hall. I didn't know what to do with myself. I started to feel tired and that seemed like a good thing, I couldn't do anything to myself while I was asleep. Unfortunately I woke up 3 hours later, wide awake and still not right in the head. I still felt the strange disconnect from myself and I watched as I went to my secret hiding spot I had hidden my blades. Was I really going to do this. I knew I didn't want to, I would regret it later and I'd have to wait for the wounds to heal to be able to forget it happened. Nonetheless I ran the blade across my skin.

Despite everything else being right I couldn't stop myself, it took very little to trigger me still. I didn't even feel as bad as before. This wasn't how I expected recovery to go, but I had been told it was a process and there would be bumps in the road. I would get back up and keep stay strong despite this slip up. The only thing that worried me was if I should tell Jenna. I figured by the time she was back it would be healed up, she would never know if I didn't say anything.