The morning light pulled me away from my dream, however I entered another one as I opened my eyes to see Van's face next to me. Small rays of sunshine leaked in through the curtains, shining light on his beautiful features, his eyelids fluttering slightly as he slept. My naked body was kept warm, Van's arms wrapped around me tightly, protecting me from the cold air outside of these sheets. I brought my hand up to his face and lightly traced the outlines of his lips, watching as his eyes opened slowly, meeting mine.
"Morning love" he whispered, pulling me further towards him and kissing my forehead. The feel of his lips on my face was enough to send shivers down my spine, making my feel giggly and excited, like a child. I felt even more so when I remembered the events of the previous night, and suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of adoration for Van come over me, and I impulsively wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight.
"Woah, alright, I know I was good last night but it's a bit early for round 2 babe." He giggled, holding me so that I was laying on top of him, my bare chest against his. I shut my eyes briefly, Van's fingers tracing patterns on my back.
"You are beautiful." He whispered, kissing the top of my head.
"So are you." I replied, looking up at him. He was captivating. Sometimes there are no words to explain beauty, you just had to experience it. Looking at Van was like that.
The sound of my phone ringing disrupted the silence, and I reached over to answer it, not bothering to look at who was calling.
"Hello?" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.
"Kathleen, come home." My mums voice spoke, sounding stern, but somewhat sad aswell.
"What? Why?" I hadn't spoke to my mum on the phone in years. She never rang me and I never rang her, I had no desire to speak to her more than I had to.
"It's your dad. Come home, Now." Her voice was shaky and quiet, which was strange, as usually her voice is used for screaming or shouting. She hung up, leaving me confused and concerned.
"What is it love? Was that your mum?" Van asked, running a hand down my back.
"Uh, y-yeah, I think I need to go." I held the bedsheet up around my chest as I fumbled around the floor for my bra and knickers.
"What? Is everything okay? Talk to me, babe"
"I don't know Van, I just need to go." I repeated, raising my voice slightly. I turned to look at him, his expression annoyed and worried.
"I'll come with you!" He cried, getting out of bed and shoving his boxers on.
I sighed in frustration, "Van for fuck sake just stay here!" I shouted, shoving my phone in my back pocket.
He seemed un phased, continuing to get dressed. I ran a hand through my hair in annoyance.
"Van stop fucking-"
"Get in the fucking car I'm giving you a lift." He snapped, grabbing his keys and making his way out the bedroom door and down the stairs, me following behind him, my frustration growing rapidly.
We drove in silence, my mind racing, wondering what could have happened.
I didn't have long to think, as we soon pulled up outside my house, just the sight of it bring my mood down even lower.
I knocked on the door, Van standing behind me, a hand on my waist, as if a silent apology for shouting at me.
My mum answered, her eyes darker and skin paler than usual. Her old brown dressing gown hung on her small frame, bits of fluff and crumbs stuck to it, making me feel slightly ill.
"Oh, I didn't expect you to bring company, who's this?" She muttered, her eyes darting from Van to me.
"This is Van, my boy-, er, my friend." I spluttered, not knowing how to address him. My cheeks flushed red but Van said nothing, his hand still on my waist, though.
"Oh right, well, I need to speak to you, alone. Sorry Van." My mum spoke, making my stomach drop. I felt sick and I didn't know why. The feeling growing in the pit of my stomach told me that what she was about to say wouldn't be good.
"Wait in my room, okay?" I whispered to Van. He nodded, squeezing my hand before making his way up the stairs.
I turned back to mum, who had already sat down in the living room, not glued to the TV as she usually was, but instead holding a hand out, gesturing me to sit down in front of her.
"What is it?" I said, the state if her worrying me even more. She looked like she'd just been to hell and back.
"It's your dad," she said, her voice slightly shaky. She looked down at her hands, which were playing with the hem of her dressing gown, "He's dead."
I didn't move, I didn't speak. I couldn't wrap my head around the words she spoke, my dad wasn't dead. He couldn't be.
"You're joking." I laughed, however I wasn't finding this funny at all. A tear rolled from mums eye, letting me know that in no way, shape or form, this was a joke. My jaw dropped, all the emotions you could possibly ever feel mixing into one, making me feel nauseous.
"Last night, he went out after we'd had a row, he was drinking and crossed a road. He didn't look-" she mumbled, more tears falling, dripping off her chin and onto her lap.
"You were arguing and he walked out?" I spoke, barely able to fathom the right words to explain the feelings I had right now.
"I told him to leave and he did, I got the call from the police at 5 this morning. He was drunk, didn't have a clue it was even a road he was on."
Anger boiled up inside of me and within seconds I had stood up, and began screaming, throwing any object I could get my hands on.
"Kathleen! Stop!" My mother cried, pathetically trying to control my outburst.
"Fuck off! Just fuck off! You couldn't stop arguing for two fucking seconds! My dad is dead you absolute bitch!" I yelled, my mums eyes wide and alarmed as I spat more vicious words at her, unable to restrain it any longer. Years of pent up anger towards my parents was being released, my dad was killed, and it was both of their fucking faults. I hated both of them, but also felt an aching sadness at the loss of my father. I may not have liked him at the moment, but I did love him.
I don't know how long I was screaming at her for, it felt like seconds, but I felt arms lifting me up from the floor, and Vans voice telling me to calm down. I opened my eyes, unable to stop crying. His eyes were wide, both hands cupping my cheeks. I fell into his chest, seeing his face making me feel an overwhelming need for his comfort. His scent calms me slightly, and after a few minutes I feel slightly better, and leave his side for a few minutes to find my mum. I notice her sitting on the stairs, head in hands. She looks up when she hears me approaching her.
"Kathleen, I-"
"Don't fucking talk to me." I snap, my anger increasing again. I notice Van poking his head round the doorway from the corner of my eye, but I don't look at him.
"It's not my fault, Kathleen!"
"Not your fucking fault? Who's fault is it then? Mine? Our fucking next door neighbours? You and dad were so fucking caught up in hating each other that you forgot about every thing around you, even your own daughter, and now look where it's got you, you selfish bitch." My words hit her hard, I could see it in her eyes, however I didn't give a shit. It was making me feel better, seeing my mum in such a state, like I was finally making her understand what her and dad put me through for years.
Van stepped forward, an unreadable expression on his face.
"You've said enough now babe, let's go."
"Fuck off!" I cried, pushing him away from me as he tried to take hold of my arm, "I'm not finished yet."
"Kathleen, look at her for fuck sake! This is tough on her too!"
"If she's so upset by it she should of fucking appreciated dad while she still had him! This is her fault!"
Van's face was a mixture of sympathy and frustration towards me, and the sound of mums sobbing brought on tears of my own again. I turned to her, a look of desperation in her eyes.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. I saw right through her.
"Don't ever speak to me again." I spat, my voice low and cold. With that, I turned and pushed past Van, out the door and down the street, still crying.
I couldn't believe this, my dad was dead. How the fuck did this happen? I remembered the man that taught me how to ride a bike, that let me sit on his shoulders when my little legs were tired of walking, that carried me to bed when I'd fallen asleep in the car.
Then, I remembered the man that forgot me. The man that was no longer there for me when I needed someone, that no longer cared enough to ask if I was okay, that grew bored of me and stopped giving a shit. My core ached with sadness and hatred.
"Kathleen! Kath!" Van's voice pulled me away from my thoughts, and I turned around to see him running up to me.
"Leave me alone, Van." I mumbled, pushing him away when he tried to hug me.
"I said leave me alone! How could you stick up for her?" I cried, feeling betrayed.
"She was in a wreck, Kathleen, I know she hasn't been the most supportive mother but you weren't helping."
I laughed, astounded at how stupid he was being, how could he side with her over me?
"Fuck you." I snapped, turning around and walking away, hearing Van calling my name from behind me.
"Where are you going?" Van cried, making me suddenly realise that I had absolutely no where to stay. I didn't want to step foot in my house again for a long time if I could help it. I stopped in my tracks and turned around slowly, tears falling again as I looked at Van, his face softening. I sighed and ran up to him falling into his chest, letting him hold me for awhile as I cried, kissing the top of my head occasionally. The feeling of his arms around me making me feel safe and protected from the horrors of the outside world, and I never wanted to leave them.
"It's okay love, you've got me, I'm not going anywhere."
