Behind Curtains (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 64

Kabanata 64

Love

"Mommy, what if... Daddy never really loved you? What if... his mistress was his greatest love, and you were the hindrance? What if... what if his mistress didn't marry someone else, then he'd choose her... always... because he doesn't love you..."

My mother sighed and looked away from me.

It was a breezy morning. Kakatapos ko lang na pahapyaw na mahanapan kung nasaan ang diploma ko. Kakatapos ko lang na pahapyaw na matanungan ng mga susunod na mga hakbang na gagawin sa buhay gayung... ang gusto ko lang sana ay ang magpahinga.

At wala man akong pinapakitang emosyon, sa kaloob-looban ko... gusto ko nanamang mawala.

I was still in the middle of mending myself after a heartbreak I couldn't tell anybody about. Ang gusto ko lang sana ay pagbigyan ang sarili na mabuhay ng tahimik, kasi pwede naman.

May ipon ako. Nag-iisip din ako ng mga plano para sa sarili. At naiintindihan ko naman kung saan nanggaling ang pagpupumilit nila pero sana... sana antayin nalang muna ang magiging desisyon ko.

I wasn't a girl with no experience. They were my parents, but they didn't know me fully.

That I could handle only the pressure that I brought to myself, and never by them.

Dapat alam nila na hindi naman talaga ako ganito. Hindi ako tamad. Hindi ako mahilig magsayang ng oras. Sana inintindi muna nila na... baka may pinagdadaanan din ako at kailangan ko lang ng pahinga.

Hindi 'yong ganito.

Na pag nakikita nilang wala akong ginagawa ay pakiramdam agad nila ay wala akong kwenta.

They weren't like this to my other siblings. Other than... maybe, to my sister, once she's older. I can already foresee it.

I've always accused them to be patriarchal. They deny the accusations. But what's the point of verbal denials when it's so obvious? My mother was more forgiving of my brothers and their shortcomings. She always made excuses for them.

She has her reasons. But I don't understand them. She's always words. And I was both. I don't tell anybody of my achievements, until I've conquered them. I don't tell anybody of my plans until they're over and done with.

I was raised by her, but we were two very different people. Or maybe... it could be because.. I was more my Dad than her.

Or, not really. Mas mabigat ang bilang ng utak ko kaysa sa puso.

I was stronger against temptations. Unlike him. I know that if I were married, it would only be my husband and no one else. But... it wasn't always a woman's morals that were susceptible to being shaken. It was always the men.

That's why, after experiencing secondhand on how it felt to be cheated on, I suppressed my thoughts of wanting to get married... ever.