𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙞'𝙢 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙡𝙮

Reasons Why Ronnie Shit Talks Themself

Well it's not exactly intentional, I don't want to do it

 I guess it's because I always have a feeling I've done something wrong, or I'm to blame. 

I also constantly feel like everyone is lying to me , and that everyone hates me 

So I don't want people to think I'm happy I've fucked things up, I want people to know that I'm not proud of myself and I want to be better and I didn't mean it. For some reason I automatically resort to talking about how much I hate what I've done. 

Then people get annoyed that I'm shit talking myself, and it usually makes things chaotic. Then that makes me feel even worse, because I made shit chaotic. Then I feel like other people will think I'm doing it for attention, and then I feel bad and I shit talk myself again. 

And then it just spirals as everything gets worse...

I also constantly apologize, I'm scared of people hating me because I'm scared someone will leave me. I say sorry to a lot, and people usually tell me to not say it because I did nothing wrong. But I get anxious that they're mad at me so I want to apologise again. And when I'm scared someone hates me I have to keep asking for reassurance. But then I feel I'm annoying and I have to check again, and again, and again until eventually they really do hate me. 

I feel like no happiness I have will ever remain, because I will always lose everything I love. And I'm not good enough. Then when I express it it usually becomes the truth. 

I have a tendency to change with people, too. If I'm close to someone I take on their personality traits. It's not intentional. Not at all. But I don't even know who I am, I can just pick out common things between like how I've always been. 

I'm also pretty, well, really insecure. Mainly because I always feel like everyone hates me, because I've been lied to so much in the past. But because I'm super dependent, I'm also pretty gullible, so I never learn. But people talk about other people loads and I get anxious that I'm not good enough, but people always carry on. I let them because I don't want to be controlling, but I'm always in need of reassurance. I'm not an attention seeker, but I get sad if I don't get it or I feel unworthy of it, yk?

I fucking suck,I'm fucked up in the head and the more it carries on, the worse it gets. I just want someone to care about me. I just want someone to love me for once in my life.. or someone who makes me feel cared about. But everyone always leaves me.