"Do you believe in god?" I asked Rob, our backs resting against a trampoline, our eyes staring at the stars. Robert snorted.
"Why should I? There is death in every corner of this world, chaos and horrible illness everywhere."
I inhaled considering what he said before I spoke, "Well, then don't you think we need a god?"
He turned to me with clear blue eyes. "That's how you see it?"
I shrugged. "There has to be something higher than us in this world."
There was a moment of silence. "Are we moral because we believe in god? Or do we believe in god because we are moral?"
"We don't love god because we are moral. The building blocks of morality are older than humanity, and we don't need God to explain how we got to where we are today. Our sense of morality comes from within, not from above."
"The seeds for moral behavior preceded the emergence of our species by millions of years, and the need to codify that behavior so that all would have a clear blueprint for morality led to the creation of religion." He argues.
"Our senses of what is moral came from God and without God there would be no morality." I rebutted. He didn't answer back and kept quite. I could feel his hands slowly crawl under my shirt and caress the soft skin. I immediately pulled his hand back and struck him across the face.
He laughed rolling on his side. "Ow."
****
"Robert! I am NOT going out in the rain with you!" I gasped as he took my hand anyway and continued to lead me out of my house. I was grabbing onto anything I could hold onto to no avail. He seemed humored by my weakness.
"Rob, I'm serious!"
But he paid no mind to what I was saying. Soon, we were outside and I had planted my feet firmly on the ground refusing to move. He sighed. "Where is your sense of adventure?"
"Right were your sense of safety is. In a ditch somewhere!"
We scowled at each other in silence. And then he shrugged. "Fine." He briskly turned away from me and onto the impending rain. He walked into the middle of the road and started twirling.
I grimaced tapping my lap impatiently before a smile started to grow on my face as I saw his eyes beautifully closed, arms spread out to the sky. I took of to his side. When he saw me coming he grinned and opened his arms for me. I collapsed into his waiting arms and we landed on the ground upon impact.
"Kiss me!" He laughed loudly. I laughed, too, craning my neck down to plant a kiss on his soft lips. With that he pulled me up and twirled me around dancing to the music of our hearts and the slight rain drizzle. I nuzzled my face into his neck softly, sighing, and closing my eyes. I smiled happily. I could feel his smile as he kissed the top of my head before he placed his cheek on my curly hair. I opened my eyes again planning on kissing him on the neck. His spotless, flawless neck. Without any marks. But instead there was a huge, purple bruise welling up from inside his shirt. My smile disappeared and I grabbed his collar in attempt to aspects the bruise further.
A slight car light came from the distance and we jumped out of the way as fast as we could laughing like maniacs all the while the before topic losing itself amongst the gray clouds.
The next day we were trapped in bed with a cold.
****
(Journal Entry Two)
It was raining. I mean, when was it ever not raining. This was Ireland for crying out loud.
Me and Lott fooled around a bit in the rain. I loved her; how her small hands grabbed me. How she pulled me close like I could never be close enough for her. Space wasn't necessary for us. While we were together it is as if we are one. One body working for two people. When she moved I would to and vise versa; as if magnets were pulling us together.
I tried my hand at singing for her that night; she was usually the one who sang for me strumming along her guitar or playing the keys fluently on a piano. It was a song that had become more of a ritual for us to sing:
Pink flowers and bows
That's all you should know
And summer days
Cause all that you are
Is beautiful child
But they'll never know
They'll never know
That song fits us so perfectly. I left her alone on the bed when I was sure she had drifted off to slumber. She was always in another world; something fragile and broken that is meant to be mended. I kissed her cheek and almost instantly crimson flames engulfed her cheeks as she blushed in her sleep.
I would miss her.
I would miss her golden red hair and green eyes. I would miss how not one part of her could ever stay one color. Whether it'd be her hair stuck between gold and red, or her eyes between blue and green, or her skin between pale and red. I would miss her softness and the fondness in her eyes when she looked at me. I would miss how she would brush my hair to the side smiling like I was the price instead of the extremely lucky winner.
I would miss her kiss.
Her lips.
They were soft.
It was still raining as I stepped outside and walked onto the middle of the road alone. It was then that I looked up at the sky. It still looked the same.
I thought I always knew what it was like to be the sky, to feel so heavy and oppressive. But it had to feel something more than that, right? It had to feel something from the furious lightning and the vicious howling of the wind, right? It had to be hurting ... right? I spread my arms at each of my side, my face up to the sky. I stood there for hours. But no lightning flash came my way, no fire bolt rushed down at me.
With tears streaming down my face and a heavy heart I returned to the glass house, soaked. I could feel vile coming up my throat and I ran to the loo. I lurched forward, my head hitting the toilet, as I vomited a fountain of blood. Suddenly then and there it was that I realized exactly what was going to become of my life for the next six months and exactly what I would lose. But she wouldn't be lost, right? Lott was a fighter. She was a fighter today and forever.
I remember exactly when I met her and exactly what she said "I'm sure you are a nice lad and all, Robert, but I cant go out with a bloke who just sleeps around." I slowly and surely had to win her heart. My charlotte was a stubborn one and she wont give up without a fight for her life, I'm sure of it.
I love you and I promise I wont give up without a fight either.
***
