A Beautiful Nuisance(A J-Hope/BTS Fanfiction)

Chapter 18: Wishful Thinking

[J-Hope's POV]

I thought that maybe if I did what I had to do, that I'd be satisfied with the result. But as I stood here, face to face with Jae Hwa. I feel unsatisfied. I hope and wish for her to push me away and make things easier for me to just forget. 

No. She didn't push me away like I hope. Kind of like how I hope she would want me like I want her at the beginning of all this but yet the answer was no too. Instead, with the same hunger and urge, she return the favor with her sweet candy flavored lips that always left me high and addicted. No matter how much I get to taste it, it just won't be enough. 

"How could you be so selfish?...Even to your own feelings." I ask as I almost couldn't pull away from her. 

I stare at her, a bit surprise to see her disappointed face. My eyes wander over and over her face but her eyes never met mine. They wander all over the room, anywhere just so they won't have to face mine. 

Grabbing her by the chin, I force her to look into my eyes. Now, I know that what she said earlier today was all just a fake. A mask to hide what she truly wants even when she says she don't need it. Which I don't get at all. In life, I have learn that we should also do things and choose things that make us happy. But here she is, ignoring her own happiness. 

"Let go...or I will-" She nervously breath out, trying to hide her eyes from mine. 

"You will what? Scream? Beat me?" I sigh in disbelief. I can't believe what I am seeing right now. She wants me but yet she refuses me all at the same time. 

"What is it that you want?" She ask, ignoring the events that just took place seconds ago. The closeness our body was. The energy built up and the natural feel of the flowing electricity between us. 

"What is it that I want?" I scoff, taking a step closer to her until she had no choice other than to look up into my eyes once more. "What is it that YOU want? Because it seems like you want me and after a few seconds, you reject me. You act as if I am a pill. You only want me when you are in pain but when you aren't, you just...push me away."

I must have look very pitiful in her eyes but right now, I didn't care anymore. All I want to hear is something from her. Something, anything from her. Nothing was what I got. She didn't move a muscle as she stare into my eyes, confusion clouding her vision. Hurt mix with confusion. Then I know, she was just as confuse as I am with her. She was just as torn up as I am. She was just in as much pain as I was in. Confuse with her own heart, with her own thoughts. 

"I don't want to let you go...but if I have to, I need to know when. So, I will give you until the end of this week to make up your mind." To make up your heart  

I touch her cheek, feeling the littlest flow of energy reach my fingertips. Pull her face up to look at me once more before I press my forehead onto hers. I want this moment to last but if wanting will only cause pain then I don't mind it. What I want and need now is if she is willing to make her decision and mean it. 

"You can come find me at the nearby park on Monday. Meet by the benches at exactly five in the evening to let me know what it is that you truly want." I inform her while caressing her baby-like cheeks. She softly nod but after a while of processing the information in her head, she pull away. 

"Wait...I can't. I have an interview that day at the exact time...I can't..." She breath out a little uneven. 

I smile at her. "Either you show up or not, I would already know the answer then. Isn't that right?"

She stood there, not saying a thing beside trying to soak up the information and decide. Decide if she should show up or not. Decide if she really wants to give US a chance or not. Decide while I know the answer already to my own heart. I want US to be real but I only want it if she wants it too. 

"This time, I promise to not interfere with your decision. I will let you choose." I smile as I cup her small china doll like face in my hands. I want nothing more than to pull her in and show her how much I have been holding back. But I held back. Yes...I am here, holding back. Not once, not twice but for the hundredth time, I am holding back. 

Staring into those window that show me there is more to a cold girl, I let go. I let go of her face and without another word. I walk out. Leaving her shock. Leaving her confuse with herself. Leaving her torn apart just like me. 

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[Monday, 5:00 PM]

Everything was perfect. The weather, the amount of heat the sun was giving off and the soft laughter of children that bring back bittersweet memory of my childhood. I want, I wish for everything to just remain like. I wish for everything to just remain like this. I KNOW everything will remain like this even when my heart is torn into pieces. Even when I think of dark thoughts that wasn't possible to enter a brain like mine. 

I just wish. Just wish. Because of how scare I am right now, I just wish and wish. Scare of being alone and unwanted, I continue to just wish. I continue to wish on an airplane that my mind like to see as a shooting star. A shooting star of the daylight. A shooting star that I wish to show up and grant my wish. 

Sitting alone was something I fear because I am always surrounded by friends and family but even now, I was grateful to be alone. To be alone to give myself sometime to prepare myself for the better or the worse. I wish that I was preparing myself for the better. 

I doubt it though. I doubt it. As time tick on and the world continue to work, I sat here, still all by myself. One, two, three minutes past and before I know it, two hours had already swing by without much effort while I sat here, sweating in tears. Shaking in fear of the cold inevitable truth. 

She's not coming. She won't show. She made up her mind. She's made up her...heart. 

Yet...I still wait. Frozen in place, I continue to wait. To wish that the inevitable truth was just an illusion, an inevitable false. To wish that the searing pain in my chest wasn't because of my dysfunctioning heart due to losing the other half. 

Let's face it though...I just kid myself with too much wishful thinking. 

Author's Note: 

HELLOO MA BEAUTIFUL READERS!! I am so grateful for you. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't always be smiling when I think of this story. So after many of you have given me your opinion on which story I should publish first, I have decided to publish the V fanfic first since I feel like it is more well-develop and better written. Welp....I hope you enjoy this chapter and I will soon update the last chapter. And look forward to my next story!! 

With lots of love,

your authornim

beaYOUtiful143