I remembered Jongin...There just wasnt a tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is him. His voice, face, laugh. Everything. I've know him for a long time, I just didnt remember. The accident erased everything I knew, along with things about him. So, I started writing things down. In a scrapbook and on sticky notes, which I placed along my walls. I wrote everything I forgot....but him I didnt remember him until a year ago. He told me, everyday in the elevator he would introduce himself to me. I would just forget the next morning. Then one day he decided to write about me. Thats how we got closer. I added him to my scrapbook millions of times, he would just tear out the pages saying "you dont need to remember me. Ill be gone soon enough"
I dont think I need the pages to remeber him. Each time I saw him, the more I remembered him.i didn't put him in my memories to be forgotten in a few hours. I put him in my heart, where he would stay with me until I die. He became my most important person. He gave me many memories, which I stored in my heart. Locked away so I wouldn't loose them like a normal memory.
I thought if I stay with him. He could tell me everything i've forgotten. That wasn't the case. When I tried to store them away in my heart, I seemed to forget them faster....if possible. So I made new additions to my scrapbook. The one that hit me the hardest was when he told me my best friend Baek Hyun died in the accident I was in.
Then I remembered how I would always call his mother asking how he is and how hes doing. This went on for 4 years.
The thing I wanted to forget the most was when Jongin told me he was dying, I dont need a sticky note or a page in my scrapbook to remind me. Everytime I saw him I would remember. One day I asked why he smoked and he simply replied with a "to die faster" which stung me to no end.
The doctor said he had about 3 years left and rather than going out and living his life to the fullest being happy and making fun memories...he decided to speed up his death. So I decided to stop him, I didn't know what I was doing myself. I ended up with a cigarette in my mouth slowly sliding down my throat. Burning everytime I swallowed. After that day Jongin stopped smoking.
A few months passed and I noticed Jongin breathing heavier and looking more worn out. I pushed away the thought of "maybe the doctor meant 3 months and not years" and carried on loving him even more.
Until one day.
I completely forgot about him. It was a few days before Christmas and somethig felt off. I double checked my notes and some daisies, withered . Fell out. Then a knock on my door.
"Hyung!" He said weakly as he stood in his hospital gown. Something told me I knew him already but that didnt stop me from asking who he was.
I will never forget the face he had when he heard that. "Oh...you wouldnt remember...sorry I bothered you Hyung" he said while walking off I couldn't let him go. So I grabbed a coat and caught up to him. Giving him a lift to the hospital. Where I remembered "Jongin" I said grabbing his hand, allowing the name to roll off my tongue once again I said it again, and again.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said while grabbing my hands "Hyung you remembered. "
After that I stayed at the hospital with him for many days. When January 13th came i woke up and remembered. "Happy birthday to us" I said tightening my grip on his hand. He gave a weak smile and lightly tightened his grip on my hand and then.
The only sound I heard was the sound of his monitor going off as his hand released mine and his eyes stayed closed. Tears pouring from my eyes as nurses and doctors pushed past me to get him breathing again. With the last sticky note from my first love in my hands I closed my eyes and brought my hands together slowly sliding down the wall as I cried.
Jongin died the morning of our Birthday. He has been suffering for the past 3 years. He has finally been put out of his misery. Slowly and painfully allowing me to take his place as I walk around my apartment after sleepless nights.
One day I went to his house and wondered around, before i left i noticed on the wall where i placed the yellow sticky notes that one night. Was a note taped in the middle on it all. I slowly walked over to it and picked up the paper. I unfolded it and read the note.
"Dear Hyung,
By now im pobably gone, or am about to be. Ive been waiting for this moment for months now. I guess i should be happy that the moment ive been waiting for has finally come...but now that i see its here. I want more time. I dont want to be without you Hyung. You've brightened the darkness for me. You opened up a new part of my heart. Now i feel like i need to be there for you. To help you with things you've forgotten. Everynight, before i go to bed i pray to god for him to give your memories back. Even if it means taking my life to give your memories. As long as you can remember our past.
Did you forget? We've been married for the past 6 years. After the accident i waited weeks in the hospital beside your unconscious body. The uncountable sleepless nights. The day you finally woke up i was so happy. I jumped out of the seat. At the moment i truely believed nothing could stop me from smiling. Then, you asked the nurse who i was and why i was there.. my smile dropped. You asked me to leave. I left in tears, since that day i've been trying to help you regain your memories. If it was selfish to want to be in your life again im sorry. I couldnt live without you for much longer. I needed someone when i found out i only had a few months, but i had no one. Sorry Hyung. Since the day we got married and till now and forever after. I love you. I miss you. And i hope you can continue on in life...without me.
Ahaha i guess i should said. Congrats on getting yur memory back. Right?
Have a good life Hyung. I love you
~ Kim jongin"
I dropped to my knees as i pulled out the rings he left. I remembered. We lived a happy life. Just the two of us.
I love you too Jongin. Forever and always. I won't forget. I will always remember you. With or without my scrapt book. I love you Kim Jongin..
