Obsession (Excruciating pain)

Excruciating pain III

EXCRUCIATING PAIN III

Hope 

Outside it was a rainy day as a grey light penetrated the thick glass, making me sad again.

I was staying on the bed, on my left side, my fingers slowly caressing the thin fabric of a black silk dress which lay beside me. It was her dress… the dress which beautifully complimented her white skin, touching it like a feather. It was the dress which she wore during the long evenings in which we used to talk, to laugh, to dance and even to kiss while staying together under the same roof.

There have been a few days since she died, and yet, the pain was still deep rooted in my soul. I couldn’t forget and I even couldn’t forgive her for leaving me behind, even though I knew it was never her fault to begin with. And yet, I wasn’t able to control my feelings anymore as all I ever wanted in those few moments was to die and never feel again.

And now, I was wearing an all black outfit, slowly and constantly moving my fingers on the fabric of the dress, in a futile attempt to caress it, trying to relive the moments in which I was allowed to touch her soft skin, to caress her brown and shiny hair, to cup her warm cheeks in my hands, while leaning towards her small frame in order to press my lips against hers.

Everything was nothing more than the memory of a dream, a dream I so much desired to be true, but ended bad after all. I was a dark creature of the night, an evil monster who didn’t have the right to be happy, because I was condemned from birth to a world full of pain, anger, sorrow and death, a world without a hope or even a future, trapped in silence, for an eternity.  

Looking outside the window I quickly understood that I was just a shadow of the man I once used to be. My soul was emptied from any of the remaining time left that I spent with her and more of the feelings which she could easily awake in me. Nobody else could ever fill the empty hole she left in me through death, not even my brother, nor my sister…

"Even it cries!" I mumbled to myself while pressing my forehead against the cold crystal glass, feeling the anger which followed such a painful state to surface through the surface just like the lava of a volcano which threatens to burn you alive. That’s how I felt in those moments in which I never hoped that she could come back to me. I knew the promise she made in her last moments, but I never actually believed that she was going to come back to me. Hope was nothing more than a stupid human way of coping with the pain when in fact, on the other side, there was nothing else left than suffering, forgetting and despair. No one could come back to life and even more a tired soul such as her own.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I suddenly yelled, turning around. My eyes were filled with pain and an indescribable anger. Through her death she killed everything which still existed inside of me, leaving behind just anger and pain.

I was surprised to discover years after that I could still feel pain after all inside of me have been destroyed, but in that moment I wasn’t able to think anymore. Like I said, after all, I was just a walking dead, without a future, without a present and even without a past, because nothing else mattered anymore without her.

In the fraction of a second, I destroyed everything inside my room: breaking the beautifully decorated table and chairs, the things which she admired always. I broke every single object I could touch, but I didn't touch her dress. I couldn’t bring myself to destroy that last evidence of her existence.

And what else was left than screaming my pain towards the sky, without the slightest chance to ever find her again, to ever hold her in my arms. She was gone, forever, and that simple fact was just enough to completely drag me into nothingness.