How To Fathom Violet

Poison Kiss

Everything's going to be okay. With dad gone and Hugo here, there's nothing to be suicidal about anymore.
-Violet's Diary.

That evening my dad, obviously, was gone. My mom and I shared a chalky dinner that was chalky not because of the quality, but because of the mixture it had with the stale and bitter air that surrounded it.

"When is Daddy coming back?" I asked so softly that it was a miracle my mother could hear me.

She didn't look sad. There was really no trace of anything on her face; no trail of bread crumbs that could lead to a clue about her emotions.

"Probably never," she said in a matter-of-fact voice. It annoyed me, but I tried to ignore it.

"I'm sorry," I replied.

"Don't be." But she didn't say this calmly. No. She was angry. "I would say it's your fault, but he did it before you were born, so..."

She did think it was my fault. There was no doubt about it. She was angry at me and couldn't hold it in. Mt. Vesuvius anger. The people thought it couldn't erupt, and they only realized until it was too late. Soon I'd be preserved in the ashes, frozen in terror-literally. I didn't blame her, though. Just like the Mt. Vesuvius eruption, it was inevitable; unavoidable; bound to happen.

It probably was my fault, somehow. Maybe if I'd been good he would have loved me and he wouldn't leave all the time. Maybe he wouldn't have confessed and we would have never found out. All those things were maybes, but I knew they would have happened if I had just been the child he wanted. The child they both wanted.

I stared at my plate of curried goat and rice and peas. Any other day it would have been delicious. It had never tasted so boring in my life, until today. I quickly finished so Mum wouldn't tell me that there were kids starving in Africa, and throwing away my food wouldn't help.

I hummed that night. I didn't have the throat to sing anymore. I don't know what I was humming. Some random tunes that I already knew mashed together, or just some random notes I had stuck together. I fell asleep to the sound of my own humming and I continued to hum throughout my dreams of which I truly had none. It was all darkness, which meant my emotions were stale and empty, just like my universe. Only I didn't see a black hole in my dream, but I could feel it and hear its silent roaring coming closer to me in space. I didn't know how I could hear silence, but I just did.

I woke up late in the morning at ten o'clock. Mum was already at work, so I had the rest of the day to myself. I knew I'd slip into depression by the afternoon, so I showered, changed, and made sure to eat brunch by noon. Before the afternoon sadness hit, I found myself strolling down the crunchy sidewalk to Hugo's house.

The cars were parked at his house, so his parents would be home, but I didn't care. I felt as though I had swallowed a star and turned into a bright rainbow, claiming invincibility. Hm. I was Mario deciding that nothing could hurt me, except jumping off a precipice.

I rapped on the door with weak knuckles that I admittedly acknowledged had hurt at the point of contact with the door.

After a minute or so, Louie opened the door.

"Violet?"

"Louie? You're still here?"

"Why are you here?"

Why was I there?

"I don't know."

"Would you like to see Hugo?"

"Um, I guess."

He gestured for me to come in, but I hesitated until he assured me his parents wouldn't mind.