The Pros of Cons

18 | Does This Make Me a Bad Person?

I basically sprinted to the bathroom (again) after somewhat collecting myself from Cruise's cold interrogation chair. I couldn't stand being in his office for another second. Thankfully, nobody was around when I exited. And I assumed Cruise was behind making sure that was the case. 

After a few unsuccessful dry heaves into an empty toilet and pats to the face with a cold towel, I eventually emerged from the bathroom. I was gone too long — even for a panic attack. I had to get my stories straight... for Levi's sake. It wasn't just about me now.

I slowly made my way back to Cons' office. His door was closed. I heavily debated leaving the station without saying anything, but I knew it would be wrong thing to do. He would know something's up and that would lead to bigger problems. I had to face him. I couldn't just avoid this. 

With every bit of hesitation, I raised my hand to the door to knock on it. Swallowing hard, I rapped lightly on the panel. Almost like a reflex, I took a step back when I heard movement on the other side. What was I doing? I couldn't be doing this. He was going to see right through me.

Panic had already settled back into my stomach when the door flung open and Cons stood there. He had a blank expression on his face. Except, when I looked closer, I realized that I knew that face of his. I had seen it the night of the bombing. He was scared.

"Toni." He moved so fast towards me I actually flinched. Although seeming to notice, he didn't hesitate to wrap his arm around me to pull me inside. I wasn't sure why, but the feeling of him touching me out of genuine concern was enough to make me start crying all over again.

Cons sat me down in a chair before closing the door, leaving us very alone. I was spending too much time alone with cops without my consent these days. 

"Tell me what happened," he said. It wasn't a question. 

I could only shake my head. I can't just lie to him. I couldn't do this. In all of this madness, Cons was still the one person who looked out for me. He still had my back and was probably one of the only officers — besides Kez — that actually believed my innocence. How was I supposed to just betray all of that?

"You're not leaving this office until you do. I swear to God, Harvie."

I looked up at him. His eyes were piercing into mine. It was the most I had ever seen him look emotional. Although to an observer, I'm sure he seemed completely unbothered. I could tell, though. 

I breathed in, an attempt to muster up a few words. "I-I'm okay. I promise."

"Don't." His hand touched my shoulder. It was only for a second, but it sent bolts through me.

Crap.

"I am," I insisted. I let a couple beats of silence form between us before quietly clearing my throat. Keep going. Keep going. "I... I didn't do the lineup. I kind of freaked out right before. I'm not sure what happened. I'm sorry."

His expression hardened. The doubt on his face was evident. He wasn't dumb. And I clearly wasn't good at playing it.

"I was told you got upset and couldn't do it," he said. "I didn't even know you went there. What happened after you left my office?"

"I... I asked one of the officers out front to take me to the lineup and they did. I guess it all just became too real to me at once. I wasn't ready to face any of the men from that night. I-I'm not sure what happened. I just... froze." I realized I was avoiding looking at him so I awkwardly forced myself to make eye contact. He looked concerned, but doubtful. I knew he wasn't buying it.