Don't let me fall (Lesbian story)

The semi-finals

Since I had so much going on, my teachers let me do my exams before everyone else so I could get ready for the competition and the Christmas show. The semi-finals are on Friday, and Saturday night is the show. On Sunday I leave for New York to spend Christmas with my mother and I only come back in two weeks. Two weeks without Alaska, that sounds like hell on Earth to me. I'm standing in the studio, wearing my dress for the competition, and Kate is right beside me, screaming directions and asking more and more of me every single second.

-Come on Olivia! Point your feet! Go! Push it! I want to see you die trying! Cry if you want! I don't care if it hurts! Push it! You're stronger than that! I know you are! I believe in you!

Tears are running down my cheeks because my feet hurts, my heart is pounding so hard I feel like its about to burst out, my every muscles are shaking with pain and I feel drained of all energy. I take my final pose, hold it for 10 seconds and then drop to the floor. I get back up right the next second and go puke in the garbage next to the sound system. I feel Kate's hand on my shoulder.

-That's what I'm talking about girl, she tells me. Ill see you tomorrow for the competition.

I give her a thumbs up, not moving my head because I'm not sure if I'm done vomiting my diner. I hear her leave and great someone in the hallway. I get up to see Alaska standing in the doorway, her arms crossed, looking mad. I swipe away the few hairs that got out of my ballerina bun.

-You're going to kill yourself!

She walks up to me and I realize her face doesn't show anger, but concern. She wipes away the traces of an old tear on my cheek.

-Why do you do this? She asks.

-I need to be ready! This competition is for the best dancers in the country, in the world even, I can't be just ok, I need to be the best.

-Why do you need to be the best?

-To get a contract.

-Why is it important? I don't dance to be a professional, I dance because I love it. Being good is just a bonus, getting a job from it is just a bonus. Why are you obsessed with winning this contract.

-Because Alaska! I say harshly while pushing away her hand which is still on my face. I've worked all my life for this! This is my moment, I have to win this!

-But why?

-Everybody always told me who I am and what to do! They pushed me to dance and to do nothing else. I don't know anything else. And winning this thing is the only way that I can prove myself! It's the only way I can show all of them that I still have control. That I'm here because I'm good, not because I'm obedient.

I grab my bag and run out of the room, leaving her standing there. She doesn't understand. She's got other things, rock climbing and amazing grades, plus she's a great dancer. She can do anything, go to college and be someone. The only thing I have to be someone is ballet. It's all I have, and it's enough. It should be enough. So why do I feel like it's not enough. I cross the common room like a bullet, ignoring my friends calling my name. I burst inside my room, slamming the door so hard behind me I feel the floor shaking, and throw my bag on my bed. It lands on the bed, slides down on the floor and stops moving. A sudden burst of rage takes over me and I kick it across the room. Incontrollable, merciless rage runs inside me, poisoning my blood and my mind. I grab some books on my shelf and throw them on the wall, ripping pages away at the same time. I throw my dance shoes, I kick my chair down, clean my desk with a swipe of my arm, pushing everything on the floor. I empty my wardrobe, throwing everything I can on the floor or in the air. I turn my mattress over, sending it bulldozing across the floor. I feel two hands on my shoulders, and a voice calling my name, asking me to stop. I feel numb. I'm deaf, I'm blind, I only see red. In the confusion of my destruction I did realize my bedroom door was now open and people are looking at me, and now I do feel Emilia shaking me back to reality. A lot of people are staring at me. I see Camille and Flore and Cain and Axel and Paul and Marcus, and some of the younger kids, and Graham in the back. They all look at me with their mouth open. Emilia is still trying to talk to me, I push her away. Breaking the crowd I see dark hair and two big brown eyes, scanning my room, noticing the damages, and then setting on me. I see in those fear and helplessness and a lot of concern, and over all that I see that sparkling part of love. And that little sparkle finishes me off and I fall down on the floor, bursting into tears. The next second she's next to me, and so is Emilia and Flore. Alaska wraps her arms around me and I collapse into her. I'm a train crash, and she holds me like I'm a fragile porcelain doll. Emilia pats my hair and Flore rubs my back and I cry and cry and cry. I hear Camille sending everybody away and cleaning up my room a little. She puts my mattress back in place, and then, one object at the time, she puts everything back in place. I just cry, hearing Alaska's heart beating threw her chest. The sound calms me down. I feel so tired, so stress, so angry, so sad, so empty. And then, above all these emotions pouring out of me, I feel safe in her arms. And loved, with all of them here for me. I feel love. One after the other, as I calm down, they slowly leave, making sure with one last glance that I wont explode again before closing the door behind them. My cheeks are dry when the only two people who remains in the room are her and me. We don't move, me still curled into her, my lips resting softly on the skin of her neck. I breath in her perfume with every breath and it's amazing. Softly, like a butterfly, I kiss her neck. I hear her breath in deeply. I kiss her again, my hand slowly pulling off the buttons of her green flannel shirt. I feel her arms pulling up in the air and dropping me on the mattress that's now back where it belongs. For a moment I think she just pushed me away, disgusted or something, but when I feel her weight on me, her lips kissing mine and her shirt flying off over her head, I know she's not pushing me away. She pulls my shirt off and together we become a tangle mess of skin and bones and limbs and heat. It's a different kind of storm.

***

I'm jumping from one feet to the other, trying to keep my muscles hot before I dance. Kate is right beside me, but she doesn't say anything. She knows there's nothing she can say. Wishing me luck would be useless. I don't need luck, I need talent. Enough of it to blow away the judges. The music and on stage and a women with a head set waves me. I feel Kate squeezing my shoulder and then I'm off. I hear my name and I go stand on stage while the lights are still out! The lights turn on and I see, seated in the first seat right in front of me her dark brown eyes staring at me. My whole body is filled with warmth and I can't help but smile. My music start and I dance, and it's so natural I don't need to think about what I'm doing. I think about her instead, about her beautiful dark eyes that melt my hearth, and her scent, and the taste of her lips, and the sound of her voice. I think about last night, my storm, then ours. The music hands and I hold my final pose, not moving a muscle. The lights go out and I run backstage. I hear Kate congrats me and I just smile. My head is not here right now. I walking toward the exit door of the backstage area when Kate asks

-What's into you? You we're different on stage. It didn't look as hard as usual. Why? What happened?

The exit door opens in front of me and her flabbergasting smile appears.

-She did, I answer with a smile.

I run the last few steps and press my lips on hers, my arms finding their familiar place around her waist.

-I see, I hear Kate say in my back.

But I don't care. I don't care if she sees, if anyone else sees, if everyone sees. I don't care what they'll think, what they'll say, what they'll do. I don't care about all that shit anymore. I don't care what others wants me to do, what they want me to be. I just want to be with her, that's all I care about. She's all I care about.