Letters to Violet (girlxgirl)

The First Letter

A/N
Warning this story contains mentions of suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts as well as girlxgirl relationships. Please be careful if you think you'll be triggered.
Enjoy xx

Dear Violet,

I miss you... It's only been a week or two while you've been gone but I miss more than I think I ever have before.

To be honest I thought I was getting better, I really and truly did. I believed I was getting over you and your sweet smile and beautiful big pale blue eyes... But I guess it's evident that I'm not right?

Maybe one day I'll actually send these to you but I doubt it. I mean what would you think if the girl you've been friends with since grade eight, the girl you've shared a bed with at sleepovers and cried with in your most vulnerable moments, told you she was in love with you?

That's not normal right? I mean it's a cliché, clearly a cliché, but I still shouldn't feel like this. I can't even admit to you that I'm bi let alone that I... God I love you.

It's not like I'd ever do anything; I've never done those creepy things that pretty much every straight person thinks people who tell them they're bi or gay or well anything do. None of us do really.

I haven't perved on you or purposefully watched you change, but I have dreamt about holding you and kissing your forehead and lending you my jacket in the cold. I've imagined slow dancing with you and going to amusement parks with you and I'd be scared because I hate heights so you'd hold my hand on the roller-coasters and let me snuggle up to you on the Ferris wheel... If only you'd let me I could love you and care for you more than anyone else ever would...

But you can't and even if you could it wouldn't happen anyway because I'd never tell you. You know that people say it's easier right? To just get it out into the open. Could you imagine that? There's far too much risk, far too much at stake. There's too much that I could lose, it would be too much if I lost you.

I've tried distancing myself but you're like a magnet to me; every smile, every dancing dimple or speck of light in your eyes, has me drawn to you. You practically glow when I look at you. I even loved you when you still had blonde hair, even though you hated it.

We were at this party the other night, at a sort of friend's house, and I got tipsy for the first time (okay that's an underexaggeration I was one hundred perchent sloshed like hugging everyone I met every time I saw them sloshed). I just kept telling everyone how I missed you and wished you were there, I don't think they caught on to the heart behind it... They probably pinned it down to the alcohol. And I remember how cute you were the first time you got tipsy and I just wanted to have fun with you there with me. Admittedly I knew though that maybe you'd be more open to my admission of being bi if you were drunk and maybe... I mean I kind of hoped we'd have that movie romance moment and kiss...

Your lips would be so soft and gentle and sweet. We'd move lovingly against each other and maybe you'd lean me back... Kiss my neck, my collarbone, my chest... Or just my lips.

Sick right? You'd probably think that I'm disgusting I mean you are a little religious... Not very but still what hope do I have of you being accepting? And if you were accepting of my sexuality it's far less certain that you'd be happy with me loving you.

I'd definitly respect you and your sexuality of course and I'd tell you I'd try to get over it and hope that we'd still be friends. Would we? Gosh I don't know this is pointless but... I can't just let it go or let you go.

Violet... God even your name is beautiful and honest and pure. Why did this happen to me? Why did I have to fall for my straight female friend? I'm going to say it... YOU ARE LOVELY AND SO AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU VIOLET.

I'm going insane. I even sound crazy... What can I do? How to I make this stop? How do I stop loving you?

From,
Me