𝗗𝗔𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗟𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗦↷이희승

- twenty : heeseung speaks

I've known Jinie since elementary school; we were in the same class and although in our initial years we never had conversation, I had always noticed her. As far as my memories recall, she was too adorable for a 6 year old.

She was never too much of an outgoing kid. She'd sit with her lunch in recess, unable to trade her toasts for something else to eat unlike others who easily mingled. Then she'd walk back to her car with her father, him secretly munching on the toasts so that she wouldn't get scolded by her mother. Later it was me who'd do this courtesy for her.

Even when I hit her with the ball during PE, she didn't complain —she sat still in the nursing room, waiting for her mother to pick her up. I apologized the next day with chocolate bars astounded at the girl in front of me who'd never had chocolate before. That's how her favourite ice cream flavour became chocolate.

When I told her I couldn't ride the bicycle to school, she promised she'd teach me how to ride. The next day onwards, through the entire summer vacation, I'd wake up to her sitting on the pavement outside my house with her tittle blue cycle parked right beside. She'd be wearing her matching helmet counting flowers in our yard while I got ready. Then she'd ride us to the park and teach me until I fell and scratched my knee. And then when I could finally ride it, she’d smile at me, overjoyed and plop on the back. That's how I ended up giving a bicycle ride regularly to the girl who taught me how to ride a bike.

In middle school, when she got detention for the first time, she cried like it was the end of the world. It was my fault though, I had accidentally taken her book with me and was down with fever for the next few days. She came running to my house that day. To make up for my mistake, I said I would accompany her to the park to buy her food.

That evening when we strolled past the dandelion field, she was mesmerized. She rushed home and drew pictures of them, rushed back the next day to click pictures, and that park became a place of her daily visit. She wouldn't stop talking about it until after a month or two. That's how dandelions became her favourite flower.

Do you hate dandelions now, Jinie ?

When she came first in class, she ran to me across the hallway, screaming past teachers, not worrying about everyone judging. She jumped up to me and hugged me. I laughed at her silliness. “Hee, thanks to you I scored well in math,” she said. That's how I became her favourite tutor.

When I qualified for the district swimming championship, I heard the loudest clap from her. Later when she pecked me on the cheek, I remember the flush I had the rest of the day. She then diligently pulled me up every morning for my 6 am practices even if it meant she'd have to get up at 4 to ride to my house. That's how she became my favourite alarm clock.

When I look back at all the memories I've shared with her, I realise, she's been there with me since my senses can remember. Maybe not always in every dominant memory, but she's there, even as a shadow, she's always been there. She's known me more than I could ever know her. She's been there for me.

And I've liked her for as long as I can remember. I've liked her without realizing it. But it was because she was always there for me, I presume I had taken her for granted, I had never given a thought to the situation when she wouldn't be there for me, when I'd not meet her daily, when I'd not hear from her.

And now that she doesn't like me anymore, now that she's not there with me, I think it stings. This realization is so agonizing that it makes me feel a void in myself. I like her, I love her, but it's too late now.

My Jinie is gone.

All the memories are gone.

Now that I recall them, they are no longer vivid, when I close my eyes, I can no longer feel the warmth of those days, I can no longer smell the flowers or her perfume that she was obsessed with last year.

I cannot remember how her voice sounded when I played games for too long or how she'd scream at me when I teased her in school.

And yet I find myself riding my bicycle to the stop before mine, parking it in the shed and waiting for the bus.

The bus we'd take to school. The bus where she'd save a seat for me.

I get up on the bus and pull out my earphones and plug one in my ear and wait.

A few minutes pass.

There she is.

“Hello Heeseung”

She doesn't remember me anymore.
She doesn't remember the memories we shared.
She doesn't remember what I was to her.
She doesn't remember how precious she is to me.

But it's good.

It's alright.

She doesn't need to remember the pain she had to go through.
She's safe now.

But this time, I'm falling for you.

And I will keep all the memories that you don't remember in the most precious corners of my soul.

And I will make sure, this time, I'm not late.

I really really like you, Kim Yujin.

She sits in the seat I had saved for her.

The seat I save everyday now that I get up from the stop before mine to meet her.

I offer her another plug of the earphone.
She doesn't decline.

I look up, and look to my right, she's pretty,

“Good morning, Jinie”

T H E   E N D.