The Secret Life of Charlie St.Clair

16. Echos

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

-Harvey Dent

Dear Luke,

I'm dying.

I've had this letter here since you were 14 for the day I went too far. I wish I could tell you why. Why I poison myself, why I cheat on the girlfriend I love, why I hurt myself and everyone around me. But the truth is, if I knew why, I would be able to fight it, but my disease can't be cured. The truth is I'm sick Luke, I'm a coward, I need to feel believed in. The reason Batman is my favourite superhero is because he understands the mask. The mask is the façade we present to others. It is our false self that was developed in response to not being good enough. You become what others need you to be and hide who you really are and to protect the people you love. I thought I could be Batman, be the superhero everyone needed me to be as well as myself. However I found out the hard way that the mask only goes so far, it delays but eventually we have to choose. Chose to be myself or who the person everybody wants me to be. Batman, he could be anyone but me, I'm far from a superhero.

Luke I wanted to thank you for allowing me to show myself to you in those rare moment when I was sober. They were the closest moments I have ever had with anybody. I just need you to understand that I never wanted to hurt you, I would never do that, I just think sometimes your life could be so much better without me. Without the stress of an incompetent brother. What I want, what I've always wanted was to shield you from everything. Protect the one thing in my life who know's who I am. But what am I supposed to do when I've become one of the monsters I wanted to shelter you from. Your good Luke, your honest and I've already stated ruining you. No kid should ever have to watch their brother try to end his life once, let alone multiple times. Your brave as well Luke, you like to tell yourself it doesn't hurt and that you're ok. You stand and look your fears in the eye, I'm a coward, I run and once you start running It's hard to stop until you find you self in a corner, with nowhere to go. It's a strange thing to care for someone more than you care for yourself, I never thought I'd understand it, but you've taught me how to be truly selfless and now I understand it's purpose. It's the same reason we love people who hate us, and people who are dead. It's evolutions way of telling us it's time to step up, to prevent death to prevent your own pain.

I think I was more in love with the idea of being a doctor than medical science itself. The idea of being able to give people a second chance, to have life in my hands excites me. Maybe then I could become the hero everyone seems to think I am. I'm so glad you have athletics, a passion and driving force and I may have seemed overly hostile when you tried to talk to me about it. It was mostly jealousy, I have never felt that, that intense connection, not in football and not in life. It a beautiful thing to love unconditionally, dangerous but powerful, beware of that love it's the most difficult to shake off, trust me, I've tried.

My greatest regret is not the mask, though that it pretty high on the list, nor is it ruining every relationship it touch, it's not being able to keep all through promises I made you. I wish most of all that I could keep them, that every time I told you I owed you one and could actually give something back. Maybe one day before you read this I will have found a way to thank you for all you have done for me and maybe then we'll be on level footing again.

Your (sorry excuse for a brother)

Charlie.