Take Me

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"I am fucking crazy, but I am free."

- Lana Del Rey

♔ Chapter Twenty-Nine ♔

The cliffs were a chalky white. He stood on the nearest edge, looming closer to it. He couldn't hear me, when I screamed. I tried to run up to him, as fast as I possibly could, but I only seemed to be growing farther and farther away from him. Just as I reached him, just as I reached my hand out to grab at him, at his hand or his shoulder, all I caught was empty air in my hands, because he stepped out, arms outstretched, and flew to the rocks below.

"Isaac!" I screamed, reaching out, almost like he was still within my grasp. But he was gone. I could see his lifeless body, floating head-first. His blood was seeping out into the ocean, and his body was slowly drifting out to sea. The waves carried him off, turning his body over, but it soon became the body of Luke, blue and rotting, smiling sickly. I almost jumped out of bed, at that moment, panting and covered in sweat.

"Tommy?" Darby asked, his voice a sleepy grumble. "Are you okay?"

My eyes darted around the room randomly, at first, trying to find Isaac, to make sure that he was okay, to reassure him that I was there and that I was okay too. It hadn't settled in that it was only a dream, that none of it was real at all, that Isaac was okay and Luke was still gone. My breathing had slowed down steadily by then, and when I looked back down at myself, I saw Darby lying at my side.

"I just... I had a bad dream, I guess," I admitted, rubbing at my eyes, still only half-convinced that I was awake. It was hard to tell reality from dreams for me. I hardly ever dreamed nowadays, and that was probably because I hardly ever slept. I'd stay up most nights, staring out blankly, or just thinking, and I'd only ever really sleep two or three hours every night. It was rare that I would dream, but when I did, they were horrible.

"Want to tell me about it?" he offered, re-adjusting his position to sit up beside me. "I'm a freaky good listener."

"It was about Isaac." I heard him physically stiffen at the sound of his name leaving my lips, and I couldn't really blame him. I knew Darby despised him, and maybe he had every right to, but I'd forgiven him and I had moved on. Or so I thought. "He was about to jump," I continued.

"What do you mean? Off of a bridge? Good riddance," he spat.

I hit him in the arm. "Suicide isn't good," I reminded him. It was only a few days ago that I'd tried to kill myself, and just downstairs that my own mum had taken her own life. And now rich daddy dearest was sending me thousands every month, and I was practically living on my own. At least, Darby did offer to come over every few nights, like tonight, to keep me company. He only lived over the road, after all. And we were kind of, maybe, almost, slightly an official thing now. Even thinking that made me tingle all over, especially in my toes, and smile so stupidly, smile like I hadn't smiled in years. I deserved it, I told myself. Be happy, Tom. You've fucking earned it.

"I don't really care if you've forgiven him, Tom. I can't, and I won't. I want him to die, and I don't really care if you don't like it. He's a prick, and if I see him again, I'll push him off the cliff myself."

"I don't want him to die," I muttered sombrely. It was sad, but true. I was sick of people dying around me, like flies. It didn't even matter what Isaac did to me, or that we'd moved on now. He was still one of the greatest loves of my life, putting aside how fucked up we both were, and how plain wrong we were for each-other.

A part of me would always love him, the parts of him that would throw rocks at my window in the middle of the night, soaking in the rain and dancing like a freak. The parts of him that would hug me so tight, that would stay with me through the long nights. I'd hold them close to me forever, and nothing could change that. Nothing he could do to me, nothing Darby could do. Isaac would always be a part of me, now, and I'd accepted it.

So the idea of losing Isaac for real would horrify me. Losing anyone close to me would horrify me, not just Isaac, but Darby, Mrs. Doorsdale, Bobby and Kenya, Mary from Biology. I grew too attached to people and to things that when I lost them, it hurt a lot more than it would for other people. I grew to like things just as they were, so that when they changed, I couldn't help but miss what they used to be. Change could be confusing, and it takes a long time to get used to, but after a while, it just becomes the new normal, doesn't it? I was still adapting to the change.

"You love him," Darby said, ruffling out of the covers and standing up. "You still fucking love him. After everything he's done to you, you still want him." He started getting dressed again, but I could only see highlights of his body from the orange lamp-post light bursting through the windows. It was still the middle of the night.

"Yeah," I admitted. "I'll always love him, he's a part of me. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, Darby, because I do. You know you mean more to me than just a quick rumble under the fucking sheets, or if you don't even know that, then yeah, go on, leave."

He coughed to end the thickening silence between us. I'd actually just said that. Amidst everything, I think somewhere along the way, I'd learned to love Darby. No, it wasn't even something that I'd learned. It was kind of instinctive now, effortless, like I didn't even need to think about it. I hadn't even been aware of it until it left my lips for the first time, and it was okay to have those feelings. He was a wonderful, charismatic person, and the easiest thing I'd ever done was falling in love with him.

The best kind of love is the love you didn't even know you had, until it was too late and you were already in too deep and you couldn't help yourself but love him even harder, even stronger. It was just so easy to fall in love with him, so simple, that I couldn't help myself.

"You what?" he asked. "You think that's what I think this is? A quick few fucks?"

I shrugged my shoulders in response. "I don't know what you want, Darby."

"What is your problem, Tom? Why can't you get it into your head that I'm here to fucking stay, that I want you, and I love you as much as you love me? You better get used to me being around, because I'm not going anywhere."

"Then where are you going now?" I asked.

"Nowhere." He slid back in beside me, cradling my body with his. His hand found mine, his fingers wrapping around them like the best kind of mittens. It felt almost surreal, lying there with him, being able to be with him this way.

For a long time, I felt like I'd never have anything like this, simply because I'd convinced myself that I wasn't worth it, that something as strange and chaotic as love would ever happen to me. For a long time, it had felt like the world was working against me, grinding me down, so to find some stupid semblance of love was kind of shocking to me. It was kind of amazing too, like being thrown into a whole new world, but a better kind of world. It even made me realise that maybe I was worth something, maybe I wasn't as useless as I'd convinced myself I was. If Darby wanted me, and if Isaac did love me, then I must be worth something, right?

Darby and Isaac were two beautifully broken people in their own unique ways, and yet they still saw something in me, they both took me for who I was. For now, I felt like I was beating the world, like I'd stopped it from holding me back. Maybe it was just me holding myself back the entire time, but things change, and this time, I'd be with Darby, I'd be happy, and I'd be looking forward.

A.N. HAPPY LEAP DAY! I decided to be poetic as fuck by releasing the 29th chapter on the 29th of February, a day we only get every few years. I know, it's literally perfect fucking timing. Anyway, one more chapter left, and it's coming soon, my darlings, so stay on the edge of your screens! Vote and comment, xoxo, your Pharaoh, Clay.