Accidental Housemate

12: unsending

Dave’s phone rang.

Right when he opened his mouth to argue my question was inappropriate, he had to pick up the phone, or rather, he preferred to pick it up than to answer me. He got up and mumbled an excuse, leaving me on the sofa, alone and crestfallen.

At least I had a chance to rethink what I was about to say. Maybe the call was a sign I wasn’t doing the right thing. The thought caused me to get up and not wait for him to come back and talk —I no longer had the desire to talk to him.

I hid in my room like the coward I was. My body plopped down on the bed, allowing the tension in my muscles to leave. I assured myself it was going to be okay, and I didn’t need to overthink my housemate’s impression of me.

I slipped into unconsciousness sooner than I wanted.

I woke up in the morning at six, like never before. That meant I could catch Dave before he went to work. How ironic for me to wake up that early only on the day I wanted to see him the least. I didn’t need to leave my room, though, so I pretended I never woke up. When I heard the flat’s door open and close, I willed myself to leave.

At work, I was surprised Hannah did not come. Ellen said Hannah called in sick, but she would come the next day. Without her, the workday went on smoother, less creepy, and more enjoyable. I explored my job from a different perspective and talked to other workmates, who I didn’t have the chance to talk to while she took up most of my time. I was starting to consider requesting another photographer to replace her.

At three in the afternoon, my phone rang with a text. ‘I’m in front of your building.’

‘What? Why? You didn’t have to!’

‘No, I had to. I’m afraid you’re still unwell.’

I locked my phone and threw it in my pocket, convincing myself his motives weren’t pity, but rather, genuine care. My only problem was facing him again after my weird question. The meeting was bound to happen sooner or later, though, so I relaxed and let it go.

I spotted his car outside. I replaced my anxiety with admiration for his concentration. He looked good in that grey coat, seemingly immersed in checking his phone. I rarely focused on what he wore and how he looked because of my hectic life, but when I did, I was never disappointed. 

My phone dinged in my pocket, and I felt like it was him who sent me the text without even checking. I walked up to the car and carefully opened the door. “Hey.”

Dave flinched. I could see his fingers shake as they gripped the phone.

“Perrie.” He offered a rather forced smile. “Get in.”

Did I miscalculate the right moment to arrive? Was he unready? Why did he come to pick me up, then?

I wondered how much time it’d take him before he brought up the porn question. The thought ruined my cheer.

The ride was silent and full of tension. I pretended I was busy with my phone, so Dave didn’t have to feel burdened into talking to me. When we arrived at the garage, the way he slammed the car door shut after him screamed irritation. I thought men loved their cars too much to slam the doors.

He stormed inside the flat, and something swelled within me, hurt at the cold shoulder he gave me. I was confused.

“Dave.”

He turned around with his best poker face on.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“As okay as you.” He sounded irritated.

“Means you’re Gucci.”

He nodded and went inside his room. He returned in pyjamas after I was already changed and sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas too, hugging my knees to myself. I remembered Dave had sent me a text I didn’t open, but when I tried to, it had been unsent. Curiosity had me irritated.

He sat down right beside me. “I have something to tell you.”

I gulped. “What?”

“I’m going to Kyle’s for a few nights. The whole weekend at least.”

I let my legs down to the floor and twisted my body so that I faced him. “What? Why?”

Dave faced me with disappointment in his eyes. “I feel as if you’re uncomfortable with me, Perrie.”

I appreciated his honesty, at least.

“That’s not true!” I defended myself.

“Why’d you reject my help yesterday, and when you were drunk too, then? It’s too much, Perrie, and I don’t want to force you, so I’m giving you space. I’m not a passive arsehole who can watch you being uncomfortable and stay. I don’t care whose flat this is until you get your money.”

‘Until you get your money.’ I wondered what was in store for us after I got my money—if I ever did. On the other hand, the thought of having the place all for myself sounded odd. I did think I bought the place all for myself at the beginning, but sharing it with Dave had made me wonder how I thought I could live on my own. Not because I was dependent, as such, but I found myself feeling better with the sense of protection, genuine care, and helpfulness he provided.

“You’re talking bullshit right now. You’re the best housemate I could ever have asked for.”

“It doesn’t show in your actions.”

How much would’ve been enough? I was aware I was too closed up with my feelings, specifically my feelings towards him, but I’d concluded showing too little was better than misleading him. His impression saddened me though.

“I’m sorry. I’ll show it more,” I replied, following it with an internal, ‘Really, will I?’

He shook his head, reading through me and answering my doubt. “Don’t force it. I’m leaving, and that’s it.”

He got up, and I followed him. I surprised myself when I took his wrist, and he wasn’t any less surprised, either. Nonetheless, I squeezed his hand with mine. He took in a sharp breath and looked into my eyes. He seemed more stressed, and the crows feet wrinkles I rarely noticed on his face returned.

“Stay.”

Like the night he held my hand in the park, I held his and felt his thicker skin under my thumb. Dave looked down at our connected hands, uncertain what I was getting at. I took a step closer, challenging myself not to waver.

“I’m used to you staying around, and I’d feel awful if I was the reason you leave your own place,” I added. “Besides, I can’t cook.” I chortled at the last one and looked down at our hands.

Dave sighed and ruffled his hair. “Are you sure?” he asked with a scrunched face.

My eyesight collided with his chest dressed in a deep green shirt. I felt invited to hug him. I stepped closer and broke the boundary as I laid my head on his chest. Slowly, my arms wrapped him too. “Yes.”

Dave tensed at first, but he eventually relaxed and wrapped his firm arms around me. I cherished the feeling, not remembering the last time I felt safe and assured in a man’s arms. I figured I must have taken the initiative to test if Dave would feel like I expected. The hug didn’t disappoint.

“Perrie, relax,” Dave whispered, his figure tall enough for his chin to touch my forehead. “It’s supposed to be comforting. Let the tension in your arms go.”

I followed his guidance and let it go. I indeed felt much better. He pecked the crown of my head, and I hid my reaction in his chest. My body wasn’t the only thing that felt warmer, but also my heart. 

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