Once | A Phanfic

Chapter Three

It kept replaying in my mind. The moments I saw him stagger into the house - there was me thinking he was only upset because he'd drank too much. I even helped him when he was vomiting. I was an idiot. But, he's gone now. I don't want him back. I love Dan with all my heart but I don't think I could bare the thought of being with him again. Not now, not ever.

My brother had already left during the night to go stay with his girlfriend in London, so I was completely alone. I know that's how it'll stay for God knows how long.

I've never been so upset in my whole life. It's a mixture of anger, betrayal... About a million other things too. I can't bare the thought of living on my own - I've done it before but I just didn't think I would ever need to again.

Where will Dan stay? Probably with Louise, but even she looked utterly disappointed with him. However, I don't want him on the streets or anything. I'd never wish that on him in a million years, despite him breaking my heart. But he's just made me so furious. He used to tell me how I was everything he ever wanted.

I hate myself. I hate how I wasn't enough for him. I hate how I'm the one who is suffering, when it's all his freaking fault. If he loved me he wouldn't have done it.

I begin to pace back and fourth through my bedroom, still noticing one or two items of Dan's clothing lying across my floor. There's one that stands out to me the most. One he doesn't wear often anymore, but there's so many memories behind it that it makes my eyes lock onto it. It's his dinosaur onesie.

I slowly pick it up and sit on the edge of my bed, carefully looking at all of its details. I feel how soft it is, how Dan's cuddles were always warmer when he was wearing this. Tears stream down my cheeks as I hug it tightly.

"D-Dan, why?" I cry into it as my tears stain.

I can't bare it. I can't bare life without him, but I can't bare life with him. I hate everything.