What colours are

Previous and next

The previous poem is many things, amongst them being my realisation on how much I actually loved the persona. Turns out I actually really care and grief made me realise that.

Grief is solely about how I had been unavailable for the people who needed me so much, but I was so lost in my own storms I never noticed they were in earthquakes and tsunamis.

Getting lost in my storms was valid and I wouldn't abandon myself to save others when I can barely check in on myself, but it's just so heartbreaking a long while later to learn what they went through in my absence.

Sometimes you're really so self absorbed you forget everyone who means everything to you. Other times it's worse, you're so incapacitated you can't be there for someone who makes up your world.

So I've recently been unable to get over what someone in my life went through all on their own as my own life fell apart. I'm glad they made it out, but I ache for what my presence could have been.

The poem after this whole note is about how it feels safe being avoidant.

In conclusion, I'm hoping to find the grace to give myself for not being omnipresent.

I'm still angry though, because the storms I was going through took away a very important life event from me and I'll never be able to show my presence for said person.

21:16 on a Friday night in September 2025 with tears in my eyes.