Dysthymia ; h.s

prologue

Note: this story contains suicidal scenes and if you're not comfortable with that it's up to you if you will continue reading or not. Enjoy !!

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Depression

A very strong word who ruined all, a word who ruined my life. If you searched through a dictionary or Internet for it's meaning, you will find something like this:

Depression \di-ˈpre-shən, dē-\

noun

: a state of feeling sad
: a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way

It will give you some sort of fact based meanings and so much literal. What is depression, really? Is that the thing who makes you feel sad and hopeless?

Well, the answer is probably no, it doesn't makes you feel that way, depression isn't the one who makes you feel that way, it's you and your own thoughts.

I've been fighting with my own thoughts for five years, and still counting. Well, none of us wanted to fight with themselves, and that's why I have a doctor's appointment today. I don't really seek for someone's help but my mum said that I need it,and she was really upset with me for trying killing myself for so many times, and the last time I did, I was on the floor, dying, with a knife on my hand, blood scattered everywhere. I thought I am going to succeed on killing myself that time, so I just smiled in victory until my mum saw me and brought me to the hospital immediately and survived. How great.

"Good Day Ms. Jenner, how are you feeling?" And there's Dr. Scott, the psychiatrist that I've been seeking for a month but never helped. The only thing that helps me is the depression pills. I cleared my throat as I said "good" and he just nodded in response while taking some notes.

"How are you?" He pricelessly looked at me, as always.

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" He said with a smirk on his face. I find smirking annoying. He annoys the shit out of me and I really don't like it at all. Smirking is like half smiling with some serious trust issues with me which is I am not lying; I've lied to him for so many times using the phrase "I'm okay" while I am not. Well who cares if everyone in this world use that as an excuse.

"Yes" I rolled my eyes. "I am now utterly okay but you literally can't see it because you're annoying and please stop smirking. I don't like it at all." I said calmly while forcing myself to smile, trying not to raise my voice because I am so done dealing with this shit.

"Oh." is the only thing that he said, and stood up. He walked right in front of the cabinet, skimming through the books, and he pulled out a medium book, with some pictures on it. I can't see what it says because it was covered by his hand. He walked back and opened the book. I am shocked because ever since I consulted him, he never stood up the chair and get something. Every session with him is just like asking me how my week went, and some other nonsense questions but only giving me the same medication all at once and I can go home. It's just strange.

"See this?" He shook me out of my thoughts and said while showing me a random picture on the book and it was a group of friends.

"Uh, yes." I said while squinting my eyes, scanning every details on the picture.

"What do you call them?" He asked me.

"They are Friends I guess."

"Exactly." He said with a grin on his face. At least grins are more likely to be attractive than smirking. He turned the page to the other side and pointed to the picture. It was a zoomed picture of the other one, but this time, it was focused on the two girls. One of them was talking to another friend and one of them is just holding the other one's hand and smiling.

"Now what do you called them?"

"Still friends of course." I looked at him confused.

"Better look at them closer." He said and pointed on the first girl on the picture. "What is she doing?"

"She's talking to someone. Oh well she's having fun." I replied and he nodded.

"Now look at her" He pointed to the other girl, the one who holds the first girl's hand while smiling.
"Do you think she's 'having fun' too?"

That question made me think more. Is she really having fun? I left my jaw dropped, still thinking what it is. After a few more seconds of thinking, I finally shook my head.

"How did you say so?" He asked me raising one of his eyebrows.

"Uhm, I don't know. I just feel like it."

"Well, you're absolutely right. That girl is not having fun, and that girl was you." He said pointing at me. I was tend to be more confused because of his words.

"How come?" Is the only thing that came out of my mouth.

"Exactly. That was the question. Try to ask yourself sometimes, "How come?". You have to answer that question alone, and come back to me when you finally have your answer." He handed me his book which is probably just a piece of trash. I took it and thank him, and finally went home.

The clinic was just few blocks away from our house so I am just walking on my way home and the cold weather of Oregon is prickling into my skin. I pulled my jacket closer and examined the book that Dr. Scott gave to me.

"How come, really?"