Metaphorical Closets

You're Such a Klutz

Mitch

January 4th, 2012

Somebody told me to start writing in a journal to get my thoughts out when I'm hurting on the inside. Well, somebody, I'm writing... and I'm still hurting. How do you convince yourself you're not hideous?

I woke up the next morning with a massive headache. My sheets seemed super cool this morning... and lonely. I didn't expect to wake up with Scott miraculously by my side, but it would've been nice to wake up and realize that I'd had a bad dream about my evening, only to wake up and actually live it. Wicked was so nice, for the most part. It was hard to convince myself to have a good time while I was on a double date. Kirstie and Jeremy had a great time, despite Kirstie asking me a million times if I was all right. I was okay as I could ever be, having been stood up, you know. Scott better have some fantastic excuse this time, because I've never felt more betrayed. I saw that he'd read my messages. His light was on... and he was texting me just fine the night before, so I know he wasn't hungover. A part of me couldn't help but be worried for him. I truly didn't know what was going on... but then I began to put the pieces together. This wasn't the only time he disappeared for an entire day.

March 21st, 2012

I'm having trouble eating again. I wouldn't call it a disorder, though. I have one meal a day, or at least half of one. I'm not starving myself. I just look at my body, and the thought of fueling it makes me want to be sick.

Scott always had some minor excuse for why he'd disappear without a word. His brother was in town. I've never even met his only family member he still considers as family. He broke his phone and got it replaced. He could've messaged me on Twitter from his computer. I'm not clingy. I don't want anybody to even think that I'm the clingy girl who makes sure she keeps tabs on her man. But when I'm falling in love with you, I kind of like you to be in my daily life, even if it's a sweet text in the morning. So, I don't understand why I couldn't have received some sort of message. And, for fuck's sake, his damn light was on. What was he hiding?

I got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I blindly opened the medicine cabinet and reached for where the ibuprofen bottle sat. The familiar feeling of the bottle in my hands brought back a stinging memory. I pushed it back and opened the bottle, dropping two pills in my hand. I tossed them in my mouth and took the pills dry, swallowing back the taste. Taking pills dry is never a pleasant feeling. I did my business in the bathroom and spun on my heel to head towards the kitchen. I forgot that I'd shut the door and I was now facing my full length mirror on the back of my bathroom door.

Maybe he was too ashamed to be seen with you in public?

"Shut the fuck up." I snarled at my reflection and closed my eyes until I located the door handle, pulling it open and leaving the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and found myself sitting on the couch in the living room. It was so quiet... a little too quiet. With Kirstie being gone there was no one to talk to. She took Olaf, too, so there wasn't an adorable husky to pester me in the mornings. She'd offered for me to keep him for awhile until I could adjust to being alone, but I didn't want to give her a reason to never be in her new apartment with Jeremy. I won't deny that I was lonely... but I thought Scott could help me with that loneliness, too. I don't do good with being alone. I turn into... him.

April 8th, 2012
I fought back and ate something today. I'm determined to eat at least two small meals a day... maybe even three on a good day. Maybe sometime in the future I'll think that I'm beautiful and be proud of the way I look. I'm so tired of hating myself.

My stomach growled angrily I hadn't eaten since before Wicked last night. I wanted to get efficiently drunk after the show, so I refrained from eating and the alcohol hit me so hard. I pat my stomach and wondered what was in the kitchen for me to devour.