smile // l.h.

Chapter 1

I sat bolt upright in bed. Beads of sweat danced down my face as I clutched my bed sheets until my knuckles turned white. A single tear escaped my crystal blue eyes and slipped silently down my face, soon an army of tears followed. I buried my face in my hands and began to sob violently. My shoulders shook and my sides heaved. I got up from my position on my bed and began to pace around my room, I was no longer able to sit still. With my heart rate increasing more by the second, I struggled to calm myself down. But I couldn't, not when she was on my mind. My dreams forced me to relive the worst moment in my life. I ran my fingers through my tall blonde hair, which was hanging around my face, weighed down by my own sweat. I backed into a wall as it became hard to breath. I slid to the floor, bringing my knees up to my face and wrapping my arms around them. I sat in a ball on the floor, nothing but a useless heap of flesh and bones. Sleep never returned to me, I was to scared to sleep, if sleep meant reliving that moment again than I didn't want it.

The door to my room began to open with a long creak, a stream of light filtered into the room. My mother took a step into the doorframe, I didn't have to look up to know it was her, she was always the first person to make it to my room when I had these dreams.

"Luke," she started.

"Go to bed mom I'm fine." I said, though the sound was muffled by my knees. My teeth buried themselves into my lip as my tongue played with my sleek black lip ring.

Nights like this had become a regular occurrence over the past few weeks. The thought of a good nights sleep had become foreign to me. But me not sleeping meant my mom wouldn't sleep. I felt guilty of that every day, seeing the dark circles under her eyes and the tired expression she always wore and knowing it was my fault. We've really had to lean on each other lately, after dad left she only had me and I only had her.

She walked over to me, taking a seat by me on the floor. I quickly tried to compose myself, wiping the tears from my face and attempting to fix my hair so I looked less miserable.

"Luke I know its hard," she began to give the usual 'I know its hard' speech, which never really helped, I just pretended it did for her benefit, so she could think she was doing something to help. But little lectures will never bring her back, nothing will.

"--but you have to move on at some point." she completed her sentence.

"But this isn't your typical heartbreak mom." I said, and I was right.

She was gone.

She was gone and I was losing my mind.

She was dead and I was broken.

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The next morning came soon after and I was forced to yet again go to school. I struggled to get myself out of bed, dreading the day ahead of me.

School was just another opportunity for my fellow classmates to stare a me with pity. I hated it. I didn't need pity, I needed her. because of her death, everyone distance themselves from me, like they didn't know how to handle the mess that I had become, which I understood considering I cant even handle myself. Every person who I thought were my true friends, abandoned me in my time of need, all except for one, Calum Hood. My best and only friend.

I dragged my feet along the floor as I slowly made my way to the bathroom to prepare for the day. I flipped on the light and looked in the mirror just to see something that was no stranger to me. Bags under my eyes, hair tousled and messy, bloodshot, crusty eyes and blotchy skin from crying. I let the water of my sink run until it was warm. I splashed the water on my face to wash away the dry tears, and minimize the boldness of other side effects from crying. I brushed my teeth and returned to my room to get dressed. I put on a long sleeve black t-shirt and black skinny jeans with high top black converse. I pulled a gray beanie over my hair to hide how messy it looked, I then began to make my way down stairs to have breakfast before starting another horrible day.