Merch Boy (boyxboy)

*Eleven: Oliver*

 Lucas insisted on coming with me to the airport early that morning, but he was deathly silent during the cab ride there. He stared off into space the whole time. Not even out the window, just at the back of the passenger seat straight ahead. He looked tired; I didn't think he had slept much. I vaguely remembered waking up for a brief second last night to the soothing sensation of his big hand rubbing my back, but I had fallen back asleep without thinking about it. He probably hadn't slept at all. I felt guilty. Things could be so different right now if I had just told him sooner. We could have been well prepared to leave each other. But all I could do now was place my hand on his knee and watch as he put his hand over mine, intertwining our fingers.

At the airport, Luke stayed with me as I checked in with the airline and sent my suitcase off. He continued to be silent the whole time. As we approached customs, it really hit me that beyond this point, I wouldn't be seeing him for quite a while. We stopped walking and I just looked down at my shoes, trying to think of what to say. But he surprised me by taking my chin in his fingers and kissing me tenderly. When he pulled away, my eyes were stinging with tears.

"There's no crying in touring," Luke whispered, hugging me tightly. I clung to him for dear life, trying desperately not to burst into tears. We stood like that for a long time. I'm not sure how long, but every moment made me feel a little better. It let me know he still loved me. I felt him sigh deeply. "God, you better text me every day."

"I promise," I agreed, pulling away. A few tears had managed to escape.

"And I'm going to work on my anger while you're gone," he assured me, wiping my tears away with his fingers. "And you're going to have fun and focus on your career." I sniffled, nodded and smiled to assure him that I was okay.

"I'll get you a ticket to the Madison Square Garden show," I promised, squeezing his hand in both of mine and kissing it. "So I'll be able to see you in July."

"I look forward to it," Luke agreed. He bit his lip uneasily. "I miss you already," he admitted.

"I know what you mean," I mumbled.

"Look, I know I haven't been all that supportive lately," he told me quietly. "But you have to know how proud I am of you. I was just afraid of missing you too much."

"I should have just told you," I said, shaking my head.

"Shhh," he whispered, kissing me once more. "Don't worry about it. It's okay." I nodded slightly. His saying that took a load of stress off of my shoulders. "Go catch your flight."

"Don't forget about me," I told him, pulling away reluctantly. I was only half joking.

"You don't forget about me," Luke laughed. "You're the one who'll be around gorgeous rockstars. Say hello to Trent McBride for me."

"I will," I chuckled. "I'll call you when I land. I love you."

"Love you," he returned as I walked away into the customs line.

This was it, the point of no return. I moved through customs in a daze, thinking about what I'd be missing. Four months without seeing Lucas every day, sleeping in the same bed as him, eating with him, kissing him, avoiding him, fighting with him. Four months without him yelling at me or hitting me. Four months without bruises or bleeding or aches or pains. Without reasons to cry myself to sleep or hate myself for angering him. And then I realized where my train of thought had gone. Was I...happy about this? Was I excited to leave my life partner behind for four months? I knew I was excited to go on tour with the best band in the world, but being excited to not have to see my boyfriend...wasn't that wrong? That couldn't be how I felt. But why did I suddenly feel so free?