Activated

chapter 15: in dreams 8

He who controls all programs, it is He who controls all timelines and all lifecodes. It is He who knows who lives and who dies.

It should not be any man. It should not be declared by any man.

Soji did not know what he was doing, but at least he knew he chose to not know. It was not the choice of someone else. He told himself that as he ran down four flights of steps, ran out of the barracks, and just ran.

Get out of Selatan. Just go.

He sighed as he crossed the lanes and passed the dining building for the defense brigade. He had no time to pass the kitchen, say his goodbyes and his gratitude.

He only stopped long enough to acquire a civilian programmer sash, with the last of his brigade salary. He gave the military sash to the seller. He never wanted to see it again.

He sighed as he crossed the gates of the capital. He probably would never see it again. He would not even get a chance to return home and say his farewells to what was left of his family. Which was just as well, he guessed. He did not know what to say to his dead mother, after all. He had let her be killed twice.

The son of a trader. The son of a proponent for understanding. The son of a woman who spoke out against isolation. He had failed her twice, killed her twice.

He joined the brigade because he was drafted, not because he asked for it, and his mother let him, did not hide him or send him away. It is not right to fight your country when you can fight for it and make it better from the inside, she said. And he agreed.

He had disappointed her, failed her.

It would not happen again, not if he could help it.

He found his way to the ports, he knew that much. He had to cross the river and get out of Selatan, and the nearest place beyond Selatan was Pendi. Whether Pendi would let him live or die, he would worry about it later. But he had to get out of Selatan.

After that, he…he could not explain it, but it felt like he dozed off while standing.

Still, he woke up from the daze on a small tugboat crossing the river, it was probably not a bad thing that happened. There were no soldiers around, and no one seemed to be looking for him.

It was much like that for the rest of the river crossing. He faded in and out of a daze, partly due to watching the calm river pass under them, and partly he felt like he was having that nice long dream again of watching the river in a small boat.

When he felt awake enough, he fished out the memory jade Yoko placed back in his pocket. But he did not find a jade, but another memory jewel entirely, a sapphire.

He resurfaced its memories.

He saw Yoko crying over a brother who did not go home for dinner after being recruited.

He saw her eavesdropping as her mother consoled friends whose husbands or sons were assassinated.

He saw her hiding in the barracks, finding her way to brigade member lists, finding her brother’s name in a list at the end of a thick book. Listed as part of the shadow brigade.

He saw her cry over her brother’s body, left in the streets, killed by another assassin.

He saw scenes of life in the kitchen, eventually finding himself among the people who chopped vegetables and cleaned the kitchen.

He saw himself being fussed over as the staff asked about cuts and bruises.

He saw her screaming over him, sprawled and half-dead on the door, bleeding from a stabbing he did not know.