Save Me From Us

Agree To Disagree

I let her words play around in my head. As much as I wanted to be mad at her and wanted to not understand what it was she was trying to tell me. I couldn't.

She was expressing how she felt I guess.

"Odell..." She mumbled. Her voice nothing but a shot above a whisper. I closed my eyes tightly burring my face in my hands.

"What Lori?"

"You mad?"

I shook my head letting out a sigh, "I'm not mad at all Lori. I think I'm just going to leave, I need to think about some shit."

Lori slapped her hands down on her thighs and let out a deep breath. I know she wasn't mad, she could not possibly upset. What kinda sense would that make if she did?

"You mad." I whispered looking back at her. She bit down on her lip while rubbing her stomach.

"No, I'm just disappointed you know. I thought we were better than this."

I chuckled. I did too but it is what it fucking is. Can you love some one to the point where enough is enough? To the point where there is nothing left to do but push them away, cause that's what we've done.

We've pushed each other so far it seems now like us being together makes no sense. We have a ton of reasons on why we shouldn't work and in the past we've fought through it, but now. I'm not sure.

"I thought we were too." I said grabbing her hands in mine. "Maybe we should stop talking to each other completely."

"What do you mean?"

"Do what we've been doing before and the next time you contact me is when the kids are born."

Lori chuckled bitterly moving her hands from out my palms, "Why would I do that Odell? Why would you want that?"

"Because I need to work on myself with out any distractions."

"So we're a distraction?" She asked in a condescending voice. I ran my hands over my face wrinkling my forehead. No she wasn't a distraction, but knowing that she didn't wanna love me because she felt it would fuck me up right now, why not face the music.

"Yeah." I told her honestly, "You want me to do better for myself right and not for you or my children." My voice was filled with sarcasm and by the look on her face I knew she wasn't tryna have it.

"Odell maybe you should go. You're speaking a bunch of bull shit."

"Nah Lori." I said raising my voice a little. This is what she wanted right? Now because I'm agreeing she wants to switch up? Fuck that, fuck her, and fuck this relationship.

How many times can I be hurt by the same person? Do you know what that shit feels like, to love somebody so fucking much. Love them to the point where it becomes sickening, and they can't even to the same? It makes you feel foolish and played and I'm sick of it.

I just needed her to tell me she still loved me, and she couldn't do that.

No matter how good she was doing for herself that's all I needed to know, that there was still a fighting chance. But she didn't say it. Not because she couldn't but because she didn't want too.

"Its bullshit, but this is what YOU wanted." I emphasized. I shook my head chuckling walking out of her room. She followed me out and watched as I put all my clothes back on. What did I do to deserve this shit? All I wanted to do was love the fuck out of her and I'm not doing it now if she can't do it for me plain and simple. I just gotta love my kids that's all.

"Odell. I didn't mean it in the way you're taking it. You know I love you, I'm going to always love you but right now that obviously isn't enough!"

"How would you know? Do you even truly fucking love me Lori because sometimes I feel like you say that shit just to say it."

Lori shook her head, "Are you serious right now? You really just questioned if I love you?" I nodded my head and sat down once I was fully dressed awaiting her answer.

"I may not be a fucking expert but I know I love your stupid ass with every fucking bone in my body Odell. Half of the shit I put up with is because I love you. You'd go out and cheat, I've gotten into fucking fights. Love make's you do some irrational shit! So I do love you. I'm giving YOU time to heal because I need to see you happy, you don't need to focus on a relationship if you aren't happy. We could jump back into this relationship and half ass the shit. I don't wanna do that. I wanna love you in the way you DESERVE to be loved!" She emphasized.

"How we're 'loving' each other now is destroying us and if we don't get shit together now I'm going to lose you forever and I don't want that. As stupid as you are I can't! Even if we have to settle with being just friends."

"Friends?" I muttered, I didn't wanna be her friend. If I couldn't have her I didn't want anything to do with her. Sounds harsh but its the truth, if I settle being her friend that mean's she'd have to move on from me. Find happiness with another guy and have my children being exposed to that.

I don't want my babies having two nigga's to call daddy just like how I wouldn't want them having two women to call mommy. I wanna get my shit together I do, but then I don't. It's easier not too.

"I'm not with that friends shit Lori." I stated clearly. She dropped her hands to her stomach and shook her head. "I'm gonna go. I don't need you stressing yourself out so just chill and when my kids are ready to grace the earth gimmie a call."

"Odell." Lori paused placing one hand behind her back. I stared at her for a long time trying to be open about this.

"What?"

"If you don't wanna work on 'you' for me or yourself. Do it for them please? They don't deserve a half assed daddy."

I chuckled standing up, "What ever Lori. I'll be there for my kids."

"Just like how you were there for me?" She said with disappointment all in her voice.

"Nope. Like how you were 'there for me' " I snapped back with air quotes. This shit was petty, real petty. She stared at me with her head sideways and leaned against her creme colored wall.

We both had that stare down until I decided to walk out. I needed a fucking break. I made my way outside and as soon as I stepped into my car I pulled my phone out and called my mother. I guess this would be my first step because on the lord knows how tempted I was to call Anyone to get into some shit tonight. But I didn't, I needed to be on some bitch shit and express my damn feelings I guess.

I didn't like trying to hurt her but as much as she was 'right' she was wrong. We really had to stop pushing each other away but that was easy for us. I really wanted to see forever with her, but now this shit is beginning to look more like a dream.

A dream I knew I would slowly let fade away if I didn't pull through on my end.

Lori

Why did I love him so much?

I asked myself that as soon as he walked out the door and left me standing there confused as ever.

I waltzed back into my room and threw myself down on the bed trying my hardest to ignore these pains.

Odell made me so fucking angry it was beyond ridiculous. I'm trying, I'm really fucking trying but it's getting me no where.

The whole time I had that 'talk' with Odell, I felt a fucking sharp as pain in my lower back and now as I laid myself down it was beginning to feel worse. I really just wanted go to sleep and never wake my ass up again.

He really didn't believe that I loved him. I coulda said the same shit to him, but then we really would had it out and I didn't want that.

I closed my eyes trying to shut out all this fucking pain but I couldn't. I sat up pulling the covers off of me to head into Dior's room but began flipping out once I felt this wetness dripping down from my leg.

At first I thought my water broke but when I looked down I could have damn near passed out when I saw the little pool of blood I was now standing.