turning pages

04

no.

you don't understand.

don't ever tell me you do.

because if you did, you wouldn't force me to explain to you what's wrong. you wouldn't treat me the way you do. i wouldn't even be here writing this about you in the first place

do you have any idea how many times i had my heart ripped out of my chest at 3 in the morning as i cried my eyes out for no reason?

where were you? no fucking where.

do you know how hard it is to try to accept the things that most people don't applaud?

you don't even notice how hard i try.

do you have any idea how horrible it is to be happy for a semi second but then stop because the past is still haunting you and you feel as if you aren't worthy of that split second?

you have no idea how worthless i feel and how many times i just wanted to take the pain away for good and be gone.

but my family stops me - just because i don't want to cause a big aftermath. do you know how pathetic that sounds?!

do you remember that time when i showed you my open scars and you looked at me like i had three heads. as if i was a complete stranger to you. "you're not normal anymore"

i was trying to come up with all the strength i had to pull myself up, but when i tried to put my trust in you to carry me. you threw me on the pavement just like a cigarette butt once you were done smoking it. how stupid of me to believe you would have helped me.

i've learned to walk alone and all of a sudden you want me to notice you? what do you want from me now? gratitude? when have you noticed me? where were you when i needed you most, when i tried to get what we had back? what was i supposed to do, what forever? i gave up. that's what happens. people end up giving up.

all those night i cried for you to understand me - to accept me. but.. you didn't. oh god, you totally fucking didn't.

so no, its not my fucking age. no i'm not being a "hormonal teenager"

and no you don't understand.

so please.. just leave me the hell alone to cry. because this numbness is more comforting that your arms.

- mine, stop trying to understand me. i don't understand me.