Bound

Part 2

     I woke up the next day with my head pounding and my back aching. I had slept on the hardwood floor the night before and it didn't feel good. The emotions of last night were buried once again in the pit known as my mind. I was used to making myself numb. It made life easier.
     I looked at the clock. It was 7:13 in the morning. I needed to go to band practice today and I was dreading it.
     I sat up and remembered my hair. I lept up and examined my new look in the dimly lit mirror in the corner of Jaden's room.
     "Your face is too round. Your chest is too big. Your eyebrows aren't thick enough."
     Dysphoria was setting in again like a weight slowly crushing me. I reached for my bag and retrieved my collection of ace bandages. I wrapped them around and around, tighter and tighter.
     My ribs ached and the material rubbed my skin raw but it gave me the appearance of a flat chest, which is what I needed. I threw on a pair of jeans and one of Jaden's old shirts.
     "There's no bulge in your jeans because you'll never be a re-" I cut off the voice in my mind.
     "I am a real man," I roared back at the dysphoric voice on the other side of my mind, "and I look like one too. My name is Gabe and I will always be a man. I always have been a man."
     Around 8:00, I shook Jaden awake. Anxiety had started to overtake me.
     "Hey," I paused, "can we talk? I'm freaking out here man."
     He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and sat up. "Yeah sure what's wrong?"
     I explained to him how I wanted to come out to people at school but I was terrified. I knew that at band practice I would be called my birth name, misgendered, and embaressed. I couldn't stand that name anymore. I couldn't stand being referred to as a girl. I needed to be known for who I was.
     "Wait, so you want to go by a different name? How did I not think of that I'm sorry. What do you want me to call you?"
     I tried to deepen my voice and sound more masculine. "Gabe. I want to be called Gabe."
     At band practice that day, my birth name was called during attendance. "Uhh..." I took I deep breath, "could you please call me Gabe? I'm transgender and would love it if you could refer to me as a boy and stuff please."
     All eyes fell on the front row, where I sat. People whispered around me. The director nodded and asked me to see him after practice. I agreed and he moved on.
     "Hey Gabe!" Someone called from behind me as we walked out onto the field. It felt so amazing to be called Gabe, to be called the right name.
     "Hey, uhh, Alli right?"
     "I just want to say that was awesome what you did back there. My brother is trans and I if you ever need to talk, you can talk to me or him. Here's his number." She handed me a piece of paper with a phone number written on it.
     Throughout practice, I got mixed responses. Some people made it clear they were going to refuse to call me Gabe. Others supported me. Most people called me a faggot it ignored me.
     The entire time, Jaden was there, supporting me. When people would call me my birth name, he would correct them and tell me how they're losers. I could tell he felt awkward but he stuck with me throughout the practice.
After practice, I went to the directors office. My hands were trembling as I walked in and saw all five directors staring at me.
"We need to know something," Mr.Jackson paused, "where are those bruises from? Are they from another student or maybe your mother?"
     Sweat beaded on the back of my neck. "I got into a fight haha don't worry about it." I tried to blow it off as nothing but I could tell they didn't believe me.

That night, I went to the bathroom to adjust my bandages, and Esmerelda walked in. Horrified, I jumped behind the shower curtain and hid my bare chest from her. Someone seeing my exposed chest was my worst fear. I hadn't even seen it in myself  several years. I had avoided looking at the two lumps that cemented my image as a woman.
To my horror, she didn't close the door and go away. Instead, she came closer, pulling the curtain away until I was left standing there with no shirt, not even the bandages to hide my chest.
I groped behind me, trying to find my shirt. I grabbed it and tried to put it on, but Esmerelda stopped me. She stole the shirt from my sweaty palms, backed me against a wall, and placed her hands upon my chest.
Tears came first, as I tried to get her off of me. My breathing was becoming erratic and fast, threatening a panic attack. "Please," I cried, "please get off of me. I'm begging you."
"Oh hun you're so delicious though. That nice little vagina and those lovely breasts, but the rest of you looks like a man. How could I resist such a wonderful freak."
I cringed at those words. I hated gendered terms for private parts. They made me feel like complete crap.
The next thing I knew, she was dragging me through the empty house. I was thrown upon her bed as she undid my jeans, and ruined me.