Run Away; C.R

(eight)

chandler:

{3:18 am}

I aimlessly watch the ceiling fan spin above me in a swift, constant motion. I'm sprawled out on my bed, applying ice to my ribs and heat to my shoulder. I tried watching tv, but my mind seems to be somewhere else. I've tried sleep multiple times, all of them failing as my eyes unwillingly open and stare back at the ceiling. I even tried counting the freaking sheep... or was it lamb? but the worst part of it all is the thing that is keeping me awake. it started when riley fell asleep on my lap.

she breathed so slowly, peacefully. it was nearly impossible to pay any more attention to the movie in front of me. I couldn't peel my eyes from her, and I felt like a total creeper as I stared her long, beautiful eyelashes and the tiny amount of freckles that dotted across her nose and slightly under her vibrantly hazel eyes. I couldn't tell you what color matt's eyes are, or cage's or brandon's, or even emily's. I just never really took the time to notice someone's eyes. but even as her eyes were sealed shut, I could describe every little detail about her breathtaking eye color. if you looked closely, you could see the bright green circling the pupil, then it fades into a light caramel brown around the edges, along with a darker shade of brown that dotted the rim of it all. they were so unique and interesting to look at, but I don't remember ever actually studying her eyes. I just knew.

I counted her heartbeats as they thudded against the pillow that rested on my lap and kept repeating the same question over and over again in my head.

do i like riley?

I don't want to like riley, only because i know what kind of person i am, and what kind of person she is. they don't match up. i'm not a good person, and the worst part is i know that. i'm pretty much awful to everyone except my few close friends, and even they get pissed at me quite often for screwing things up. I screwed things up with the zack situation a while ago, and i've never been able to keep a relationship good with any of my girlfriends, and i just don't want to get riley caught up in that.

maybe i don't even like her, maybe I'm just over exaggerating because i happen to find her really really beautiful. you can't start having feelings for every beautiful girl you lay your eyes on.
all i know is, whatever these feelings are, i am going to ignore them until they go the fuck away.

but you don't want them to go away.  something tells me, but i shake it away, and decide to force myself down the stairs for a glass of water.

walking in this cast has to be the hardest thing I've ever done, but i can never do anything for myself when riley is around. i use the railing for support, tugging myself down the spiral staircase.

the best thing about being injured to this extent is that i don't have to go back to school until next week. a whole weeks worth of absences, all excused by the doctor.

"what the hell does that mean?" i hear a voice, full to the top with anger, shout from the kitchen. i halt in my steps, grabbing the railing even tighter to not make a sound or draw any attention to myself. it's a voice that i solemnly recognize these days... my father.

"i honestly don't give a shit. i just want--" his voice comes to an abrupt stop, and i cringe at the fact that he may have heard me. "no, no he doesn't know..." he says, bringing his tone back down to a calmer level.