The Goddamn Fucking Truth About Me

i return

August 18, 2015

Hi I guess I'm bringing this back?

Idk, I feel too filled up with things to say but I have no one to tell them except whoever cares enough to read this.

So I feel very sad and I am not sure why.

I learned last week that anxiety often causes depression. And no, I don't have clinical depression, but sometimes every thing just builds up in my head and the only reaction my body has is to be depressed.

So sometimes I feel really happy, but other times (now, for instance) I feel depressed.

The only reason why it's not clinical depression is because I don't have suicidal or harmful thoughts.

And before I explain why I'm sad, I want to mention that if anyone reading this feels like they can't talk to anybody about their problems in fear of judgement, you can talk to me. I will not judge anyone, because I understand everyone has different ways of handling situations and different thought processes, so you can feel free to talk to me :)

So there's a guy that I like... (Isn't it always about a guy?)

I'm going to call him Adam.

So I like Adam. I don't know him personally, though, so it's more of an attraction. He's fairly popular, and he has girl friends who are much prettier than me.

And I'm going to admit that I think I am fairly attractive. I mean, I'm no Shailene Woodley, but I'm not so bad. I'm an average height, although I may be a little too skinny. I really don't hate how I look, but I feel like there are girls who are so much better looking.

Anyways, I really like Adam, and I want to talk to him, but I don't talk to people well. Sometimes I do, but usually when it comes to people I feel nervous around, I literally can't say anything.

And I kind of feel like I shouldn't like someone if I'm not immediately comfortable around them, but I also feel like if I like somebody, I should feel so attracted to them I get nervous, if that even makes sense.

It's not a, I-feel-endangered-around-you nervous, more like a, I-feel-so-enferior-and-I-don't-want-to-say-something-wrong nervous.

And he's really, really attractive, at least I think so. And he's not even an asshole, like from what I've heard, he's very polite and shit.

So one of the problems I have with him is that his sister is friends with my brother and my brother's girlfriend, so my brother and Adam's sister hang out a lot (with his girlfriend too, obviously).

And it hasn't happened in a while, but sometimes Adam shows up (with the rest of his family) with his sister while her and my brother are hanging out.

I have talked to him literally once or twice, and I don't think I've ever actually formally introduced myself, though he does know my name.

One time during lunch (at school), my friends, who are friends with Adam, forced me to sit next to him. That may not seem like such a big deal, but at the time, I was in a very insecure and depressed place, and I was so nervous I didn't talk the whole time.

And to make things worse, Adam started talking about what he wanted to name his children. Again, this may not seem like a big deal, but think about how you would feel if you were sat right next to the guy you like while he was talking about his future children.

And you know what they were?

If it was a boy, Maxamillion, and for a girl, Espen, but not spelled the normal way, nooo, he would spell it ESPN.

Yes, like the sports channel.

And even more worse than that, my friend had said at the time, "Wow, his eyes look like pools!" (he has very blue eyes)

And turned to me (she was sitting in front of him) and said, "don't his eyes look like pools, Brenna?"

And so Adam fucking tURNED AND FACED ME and I swear to fucking god my face turned a bright red color because Adam is pretty tall and I slouch when I sit (a v bad habit, I know) and I was already shrinking down into myself (because shy people problems) and he was looking down at me and we made eye contact and holy fucking shit his eyes are so fucking beautiful and blue and I already really hate eye contact but I swear he was looking into mY SOUL.

And me and my friends went back to our table after that and you know what my fucking friend said? "He has eyes that look like pools, and I bet Brenna has pools in her pants" (or something along those lines) and it's become a rather embarrassing joke among us.

Yeah.

And another time, I was at band rehearsal and I was talking to my Senior (now graduated) friend, who also happens to be friends with Adam (like every single one of my friends, I swear).

I told her I thought he was really attractive, so she fucking called him over.

So correction, I have introduced myself. But when my friend said, this is Brenna, he said fucking "oh yeah, I know."

wHAT.

Like, it doesn't even seem so bad, but I had only known him for a good month? And he knew my name? Granted, we did go to the same elementary school, but not the same middle school and I didn't even know him in elementary school.

So yeah, those are the ones I remember most. But he dated this really pretty girl who he liked for a really long time, but they were just friends. They only lasted for a couple months, but they're still best friends.

And I seriously doubt he likes me, since he doesn't look at me ever and neither one of us attempts to start a conversation.

But I don't know. I started taking Zoloft, which is an antianxiety medicine, and hopefully I can approach him without feeling like throwing up and then fainting.

One can hope.

And one other thing, that seems creepy that I figured this out, but his initials are AC and mine are BD. So like, it would fit together almost - A, B, C, D. I don't know. I'm really not this stalkerish, I just happened to figure it out one day.

Oh my god, I hope he isn't reading this.

Yeah, sorry I haven't updated this. Still no comments, but I still have views coming in which is strange since I don't know how people discover this without me updating.

I hope no one hated my rant, but I'm feeling very weird and uncomfortable right now and hopefully this helps...

Okay, thanks for reading if you got this far.

Sincerely, a somewhat insecure and very confused teenage girl having a crush catastrophe.