Everything I Didn't Say

Letters to Marco

Wait, don't tell meheaven is a place on earth

I wish I could rewindall the times that I didn't

Show you what you'rereally worth

Dear Maro,

i painfully experienced that you were right.

I am weak.

It's been a week without you now and I just can't help myself but miss you with all I have. How many times have I thought about joying in you these days. How amazing would it be to lie in your arms and leave this lonely life? No matter how much I crave this, I can't go just yet.

I need to make sure that mankind will know you as a hero, as someone who gave his life in order to free each and every human from fear an unnecessary death. I want you to be remembered as the brave, honest, kind-hearted and lovely person you are.

You are the reason I am still here. Alive and breathing. Fighting for freedom, safety and you, Marco.

Remember how I broke down crying in your arms when I first saw soliders getting killed by them? Do you remember what you told me? You said that they aren't the first or the last ones who died, but, you said, that I had the possibility to make them poud, to fufil their dreams, to be useful for mankind. You said with every lost friend I had a reason to  fight even harder. And I did.

How are things with lovers, Marco? How is one supposed to express all their affection, their grief and pain, their never ending love in the way they fight? To be honest, I don't know, but I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying so hard and I will keep trying until the bitter end, until I will see you again.

You see, people are like rough diamonds. When they're born they're bold, matte and not exactly pretty. But as they go, themselves, incidents and people whet them into shape. Some might cut in too deep and leave scratches, some might create a perfect surface, it hurts, but it's worth it. Every tiny little moment makes that diamond what it is and it constantly changes, sometimes to the better, sometimes to the worse, but always to achieve that one single goal: being the diamond who is carved in a way that makes the light that shines on it reflect in the most brilliant way, leaving everyone else in a constant awe. But I don't think that's possible, to be perfect, that is. One can come close, but never quite be it, you know.

One thing is for sure though: Every jeweller has their own way to whet the diamonds for their jewellery, meaning every diamond out there is unique, that they are in their own state of perfection. The longer one spends time looking at it, the more details one will see and you will find beauty in each and every one of them, even though the diamonds don't look like it in the first place.

I like to think that, when one dies, their inner diamonds get to become stars. And sure, some shine more, some less bright, but we need every single one to create the beautiful night sky we all value so much. 

When I look up there I see you, Marco. To me you are the brightest star to exist. It seems like you're shining, smiling, only for me. It makes me believe that you wouldn't want me with you yet. Hell, knowing you you'd probably want me to fall in love with someone else, anything for me to be happy, but let me tell you this, you are the only one I want and could ever need. You are the one who makes me happy, who makes me keep going. You taught me things I never even thought of, showed me how to make strengths out of my weaknesses and thanks to you I'm still here.

I want you to know that I couldn't be more proud of you, that you make me strong and, most importantly, that I won't stop loving you.

Always in my heart.

Yours sincerely

Jean x