Everything I Didn't Say

The truth

The way you held me 

I wish that I'd put you first

I was wrong I admit

Numb from your kiss while you were slipping through my fingertips

Dear Marco, 

never knowing what you were feeling while it happened, never knowing what you thought, what you last words were almost killed me. Ever since I wanted to know so badly. I don't know why, honestly. Maybe I just needed something to help me grasp the fact that you were gone. It was just so surreal.

When I found you, Marco, I swore I could still feel the warmth of you around my body from the sweet embrace we laid in all morning; that I still felt the complexion of your skin beneath my fingertips; that your scent that always reminded me of home and shelter still lingered in my nose. 

But you weren't that anymore, no. You weren't the boy with the freckles like the stars in a clear night and the smile that so clearly resembled the sun which shared the power to lighten up everyone's day. You weren't the kind soul who cared about everyone else's well-being before it cared for itself. And I really wish you were. I wish that that what I found there wasn't the remaining picture of a boy so amazing that I'll always worship the day I met him.

How I found you there, Marco, you didn't deserve that at all. Just how could that happen to you of all people? What happened? Maybe I shouldn't have wondered. Maybe I should have just mourned, accepting you were gone and fighting for you to make you proud. But I didn't. I could never leave things like that concerning you just be. 

It turned out to be a big mistake, my love. A huge one, actually. Because I found out today. I found out the whole story. I'm speechless. I can't believe it. You know, I always believed that you died in battle, bravely like the hero you were. It helped me a lot knowing you fufilled what you always fought for: the rescue of humanity and the savety of your comrades. I wanted to be just as brave as you, Marco.

Though now that I know that your death was just a foolish murder of the ones we used to trust, of the ones that called themselves friends, of the ones that just couldn't keep their damn mouths shut,  I don't feel sadness anymore. I feel fury. I long for revenge. Because, my sweet, innocent Marco, this isn't how you should have gone. This isn't what I meant when I said I'll be with you forever. Our forever was way too short, forcefully, painfully interrupted and torn apart.

I hate to know that you died for nothing you stood for. I hate to know that you were just at the wrong place wrong time. I hate that your death was so unnecessary. I hate that they could be so cruel. I hate that he could be so emotionless. I hate it.

Sometimes, Marco, I lie awake night. I's hard because at night I can see the stars and I always think of you. Think about what was. What could have been. I wish you'd be here with me, Marco. No one seems to understand me these days when it's actually so very easy. 

I've been addicted to looking at the most beautiful diamond there was in the world to me. I've been addicted to its bright shine, its great warmth and its gentle shimmering that seemed to be reserved for me and only me. I was so used to my little diamond that I forgot how to shine for anything but for my one and only. So, that when this amazing gem was misted in such a cruel way, it carved in too deep and I couldn't shine properly without it. 

It hurts me inside out to live like this, without you. But I know that one day humanity will be save and that at this one day we will be able to shine together, brighter than we ever did before.

I hope to see you soon.

Always in my heart, 

Jean x