I guess everyone of you know the feeling when you are scared, but do you know the feeling when you are scared to death, so you can't move and only thing you can do is getting those sick thoughts how someone is going to kill you, or you killing someone, or that you're going to become sick? I know the feeling. I know how annoying it can be and doesn't matter how strong I am, it won't stop. I'm trying hard, but those thoughts are not leaving my mind, my body. I'm not proud to say that I'm disordered, but I am, and I'm waking up with it every single day, hoping that it will get better eventually.
My friend had noticed my problem first. She saw me putting plug of the marker on and then taking it off repeating the same two actions again and again. She was afraid to tell, because she'd thought that I won't listen to her or that I would get pissed off and run away from her. I realized by my self what was happening to me, so I put those, at the first sight, very easy words in the internet search I keep doing same things over and over again and it just popped up - OCD. Hello, my newest friend.
I keep getting those scary thoughts, I see horrible things, the most of them are mine's death. Once someone's cutting my throat, and the next thing that happen is that I need to turn the lights on and then again off for nine times. Nine is my number. After I did this, I'm feeling released, but it's not over. Thoughts are getting back again. Now I see my mom dying, so I keep repeating those rituals. I go to the kitchen, pour orange juice and then start drinking. And the picture of my mom dying is haunting my mind, so rituals are starting. Now I need to drink this juice only with nine swallows, or my thought is going to become real.
The thing is that I'm pretty concious about those thoughts. I know what's happening to me. I know it isn't real. But, I'm not able to stop it, because if I refuse horrible things are going to happen, so I am listening, like a slave.
If my mom sees me doing those rituals she starts yelling - Stop doing this! There's nothing wrong with you! You're just thinking you're disordered! And doesn't matter how hard I'm trying to prove her that I'm not feeling alright, and that I need professional help which would make things so easier, she won't listen to me. It's more harder for me to deal with my problem, if my family is not supportive.
My books need to be in the right order, or I get very nervous. And all those rituals are taking a lot of time from me, so it's really hard to function.
My life became a rollercoster. It's like I'm on the carousel of time, because I need to repeat my actions. One two three, one two three, one two three. All nine times. Sometimes I need to touch someone nine times, so I'm actually trying to do all of that in a way so that person can't notice. Also, a lot of times I'm apologizing or thanking to someone. I have to let them know that I'm really sorry or enormously thankful to them.
The worse thing, I'm telling you again, is that I know it's not real and that all thoughts are just that - thoughts, but I can't stop them, I can't control my fear. My fear is getting bigger and bigger, especially when the night comes. It is funny, but is it really because I'm scared of the dark? Well, okay. Let it be funny, but just know that it's terrible to me. When I'm walking alone and it's dark all around me thoughts are becoming stronger and there's more of them. I get a feeling that someone is behind me, maybe he's caring a knife, who knows? Because of that I need to turn my head behind my back and take a look at the area, just to be sure that no one is actually behind me. But, until I get home, thoughts are not leaving my mind.
There's a lot of good things in this world, so I try to think of them. The first thing that helps me it's my idol, someone who I admire all the time, and she's the strongest woman in the world that I know of. It's Demi Lovato. Her story helped me a lot. She went through a lot and she's fine now. Stay strong. Those two simple words are flying in my mind, but as hard as I'm trying to stay strong, thoughts won't leave me alone.
That's OCD people, and It ruins my life every day.
P. S. Remember that any kind of mental ilness is a very serious issue and that you should try as much as you can to be there for the person that's disordered. Try to help them, just talk to them, sometimes it is more then enough.
Love,
Marco
