Games ♕ j.g *MAJOR EDITING*

1

I never understood much, but I don't think I ever wanted too, understanding is knowing the terrors of the world, watching them unfold before you're very eyes.

I never understood why my friends liked me.

I never understood why I my mom chose to live in the middle of America. Or why she was never home.

I never understood why my father abandoned me, or why he stopped loving my mother, why he stopped loving his own daughter. I never understood why he never called, or texted or even wrote.

And I never understood how my mother felt, even after her cries woke me up in the middle of the night, months after he left us.

And I never understood love, until I met him. Because I fell, and I fell hard, and everything was warm and nice  and for once everything happy that I had never understood just seemed to make sense. Yet I would never admit it to myself, or to him. Because I was supposed to hate him, despise him, no matter how much I could not.

Because once you do everything bright and warm, turns dreary and cold. 

I remember it slipping from my mouth, his body tense, his mouth turning dry, I remember the look he held in his eyes. And those dreaded words left his mouth, and I remember the shock, the numbness. I remember walking away, then running, then sprinting for so long that my legs ached and my feet were swollen, yet I was still numb.

And then I understood, I understood my mother and I understood why she cried at midnight when she thought my ten year old self  was asleep.

And I understood my father, when the words slipped out of his mouth. How easy it was to put on a show as if you loved something before giving up.

Yet I never understood him, or how he could do that kind of thing without any consequences. How he could watch me spit out curse words at him filled with such harshness and venom, before I walked away, tears brimming in my eyes . 

But I guess it's all fun and games till someone gets hurt.

But I was the only one who had to suffer.